I was going to write a completely different Top 5 list, but Jeff Dunham was on Letterman last night and it made me realize I absolutely hate ventriloquism as a comedy form.
So here they are, the top 5 reasons ventriloquists suck:
1. Their faces - I hate looking at them. And it is absolutely obvious that the person standing up is doing the talking, not the damn puppet. Not moving your lips doesn't mean you can straight your neck so it looks like you are taking a massive dump. The whole allure of ventriloquism, I thought, was to actually throw your voice.
2. Their jokes - for some reason ventriloquists get away with the worst jokes ever. Essentially they are doing schizophrenic stand up with themselves, but double a person with bad jokes and you just get twice as many bad jokes. Their little dummies always seem to use stupid, red neck, bathroom joke book humor that at most can you make you smile a little bit but that is usually only moments before you start vomiting. Example: "What kind of terrorist are you?...A terrifying....terrorist."...Really, I think I read that on a Popsicle stick when I was seven.
3. Their puppets - They are creepy.
4. The fact that they get comedy hours - these wastes of valuable human embryos belong at old people's homes or five year old's birthday parties - not taking up my valuable time on comedy central or as the final event in a late night show.
5. Their jokes - sorry I really need to focus on how bad their jokes are. If these idiots weren't walking around while raping a puppet with their hand they would have no chance as a true stand up comic.
So if you are aspiring to a ventriloquist, just stop. Your dream is stupid. Ventriloquists are completely useless, and in a zombie invasion would be completely screwed. Everyone would throw them out of their shelters after seven seconds.
Couldn't agree more with you...ventriloquist would be the first thing to go in the zombie swarm.
ReplyDeleteIf I had to pick out my biggest peave with these douches, it would be their weird faces. Like you mentioned, they don't look like they're talking, but we know they are by the "I'm taking a crap" look on them.
I wonder if instead of a ventriloquist doing his act with puppets, he did it with a couple dudes people would still watch? Just because there are puppets involved doesn't make the content funny. I somehow feel that the previous statement of a ventriloquist act without puppets would be very similar to a Jeff Foxworthy act...
I have to say that most comedy in this day and age sucks. Just gutter filth with no imagination at all. Ventriloquism has provided entertainment to adults and children alike for many years. Just like comedy today there are good and bad. If ventriloquism sucks answer this question, why is it so popular and Terry Fator just signed a two million dollar contract in Vegas. Speaks for itself.
ReplyDelete...dogs and cats lick their assholes, just cause somethings popular doesn't make it good...case and point Nickleback...however much ventriloquism sucks, it does have a purpose, it provides a great outlet for sexually frustrated comedians who used to jerk off to reruns of the Muppets, now thats humor right there
ReplyDeleteI think it this type of humor has its place and jeff dunham pulls it of the best i have seen in a long time... there are many out there who really suck... but he is def the man... Walter is also the man... love it.
ReplyDeleteBlasphemy. Yes, this type of humor has its place, like I said in old person homes and children's birthday parties. Like Bozo the clown. Humorous if you are six. Or creepy as hell. Every ventriloquist I have ever seen has sub par jokes that gets laughs because he says them with a puppet. Lame.
ReplyDeleteJust cause you're still scared of puppets Dabs that's no reason to be hate'n. I mean shit i'm scared of clowns but i stay the hell away from those bitches.
ReplyDeleteJeff Dunham is hilarious. Statement.
Second at the moment to George Carlin (the master) may he rest in peace.
I think a lot of this aggravation with puppets comes from failure in maybe early childhood. Talk to your therapist Dabs.
Matt you might want to go with him this time as your as you mentioned to me you might want to write a nice post... somethings wrong go take care of it before it becomes serious.
Puppets are creep but we all have to have a one creep friend. Example - Anthony
I think your love of puppets comes from failure during your current manhood.
ReplyDeleteJeff Dunham is awful. Statement.
You and Gary Green can go see Dunham together. And Linkin Park. Maybe catch some Fred Durst too.
its the end of the world as we know it. Someone, some freakin moron, som freakin realityTV reality deprived producer who forgot what entertaining programming was somewhere between jon and kate, and dacing with the hasbeens, has gone truly off the deep end!
ReplyDeleteJeff Dunham has his own show, and since our society as a whole has become brain dead, 6 million of us watched the premiere!! WTF!?