Anthony Goes Gay for Tom Brady

Bromance of the Century: I just can’t quit you T.B.

If we were to spot Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen walking down a street together, and I said, “I’m so jealous of her,” Where would that put me on the Kinsey scale of Human Sexuality... a 4?  6?

I’ve got this ongoing hetero-man-crush on the dude, but it ain’t gay if he quarterbacks your team.  I love the New England Patriots like they make movies about.  I read the books.  I’ve spent thousands on tickets and gear.  I lose sleep after each loss, and I am a real prick to everyone the following week.  When the Patriots lost the Super Bowl to the Giants, just missing the perfect season, it was one of the worst things that ever happened to me (and I’ve had some deaths in the family).  It was my ball between Buckner’s legs and it was the Boone home run.  I didn’t watch TV and my friends gave me concerned looks the following week, saying stuff like; “You gonna be okay man?”

It’s the irrational feeling that most sports fans go through when they care a little too much, but in a world of such apathy it’s okay to be ironically attached to something so superfluous.  

So I love T.B., and I’m not ashamed to admit it (no homo).  He’s the captain.  I’ve watched every snap that he’s ever played in the league.  When he picked up the Lombardi trophy for the first time I felt like those dudes explain when they hold their firstborn, minus the little parasite, crying, responsibility pile.

In 2007 when dude had the best season of any QB in the history of the sport I was the least surprised person around.  Guy works hard, is mad talented, bangs supermodels like they’re dregs at Barnaby’s, votes conservative, and never had half the offensive talent around him that the slack-jawed Peyton Manning had around him until recently.  When he got his receiver he took the last thing Peyton had over him... the only thing Manning is better at than T.B. is Saturday Night Live.

When Brady’s knee got injured it may have been as bad as the Superbowl loss for me... I went through all the steps of someone going through a tragedy...

Denial: “He’ll be back in the 2nd quarter... he’ll be back in Week 2... there’s no way they’ll put him on IR.”

Self Blame: “Why didn’t I wear my lucky jersey?  The Moss one hasn’t been proven to be lucky.  Should have stuck with the Brady away jersey from 2001.”

Admit that I am powerless, and seek a cure: “My arm isn’t what it used to be... I’m not in shape to walk on to the New England Patriots... Cassel is my quarterback, and he has my full support.  Don’t hassle the Cassel.”

When Brady had an infection spreading through his leg from a botched knee surgery I heard the word amputate on the radio and was inconsolably weeping for the following week (That’s a lie for effect.. I haven’t cried since that prom episode where Kelly dumped Zack on Saved by the Bell).

Now it’s been almost a month since Tom was throwing off his back foot.  About a month since the other 31 QBs in the league lost all hope and started competing for first place.  Brady is going to earn the parking spot for being the hardest working player on the roster for the 5th season since he entered the league, attending all the optional mini camps and workouts; all of this when he just married a chick that I would sacrifice limbs to get a shot at her--that is, before she became part of the family.  

It’s bad news for the rest of the league this year, because the 3-time-champion, league MVP, 2-time-Super Bowl MVP has something to prove again.

-Anthony