Top 5 Reasons Ventriloquists Suck

I was going to write a completely different Top 5 list, but Jeff Dunham was on Letterman last night and it made me realize I absolutely hate ventriloquism as a comedy form.

So here they are, the top 5 reasons ventriloquists suck:

1. Their faces - I hate looking at them. And it is absolutely obvious that the person standing up is doing the talking, not the damn puppet. Not moving your lips doesn't mean you can straight your neck so it looks like you are taking a massive dump. The whole allure of ventriloquism, I thought, was to actually throw your voice.

2. Their jokes - for some reason ventriloquists get away with the worst jokes ever. Essentially they are doing schizophrenic stand up with themselves, but double a person with bad jokes and you just get twice as many bad jokes. Their little dummies always seem to use stupid, red neck, bathroom joke book humor that at most can you make you smile a little bit but that is usually only moments before you start vomiting. Example: "What kind of terrorist are you?...A terrifying....terrorist."...Really, I think I read that on a Popsicle stick when I was seven.

3. Their puppets - They are creepy.

4. The fact that they get comedy hours - these wastes of valuable human embryos belong at old people's homes or five year old's birthday parties - not taking up my valuable time on comedy central or as the final event in a late night show.

5. Their jokes - sorry I really need to focus on how bad their jokes are. If these idiots weren't walking around while raping a puppet with their hand they would have no chance as a true stand up comic.

So if you are aspiring to a ventriloquist, just stop. Your dream is stupid. Ventriloquists are completely useless, and in a zombie invasion would be completely screwed. Everyone would throw them out of their shelters after seven seconds.

Top 5: Songs About the End of the World

It’s no mix tape, but it will have to do.  If it was a mix tape, it would just as likely lead to a suicide as it would to you diving headfirst into 3rd base.  I’m going to partially spoil the list by telling you that I didn’t include “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith, even though it was on the soundtrack to Armageddon.  I was tempted though.  Here’s your list.

1. “Your Love” by The Outfield: “Josie’s on a vacation far away.”  Okay, so it’s not about the end of the world, but it is the greatest song ever written by humans and any Top 5 song list would be remiss to omit it.

2. “No One Would Riot for Less” by Bright Eyes: “Death may come invisible, or in the holy wall of fire.”  Connor Oberst’s angsty, minimalist, fatalist stylings are right at home in this end of the world epic ballad (using the term ballad lightly here).  It’s about a couple falling in love in the face of Armageddon.  Sad scary romantic depressing stuff.

3. “Streets on Fire” by Lupe Fiasco: “Sickness some are still in doubt of its existence, some call it forgiveness and some call it the vengeance.”  Lupe, a Kanye-approved cure to the oft gangsta-obsessed doldrums of hip hop, tears the verses over this haunting beat.  His end of the world comes from a spreading virus, and he captures the paranoia and finger-pointing that the apocalypse is sure to bring.

4. “Grapevine Fires” by Death Cab for Cutie: “And the firemen worked in double shifts, with prayers for rain on their lips.  And they new it was only a matter of time.” A complex little drum beat drives this track, with specks of keys punctuating the lyrics.  The song is really about California fires, but the Death Cab-y chorus’ give it the epic span of the end of days.

5. “It’s the End of the World as we Know it” by R.E.M.: “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.” While the rest of the songs on this list proclaim doom (or are called “Your Love”), R.E.M. finds whimsy in the apocalypse.  The song plays on the apathy of modern man, where it’s tough to care about much, even when the world is coming to an end.

-Anthony

Top 5: Worst Song Remakes

Oh God I hate it when bands cover other bands, the majority of the time they suck at it. Unless you’re Johnny Cash don’t do it! It is with this in mind that I came up with the Top 5 picks for worst song remakes ever. In making this list, however, I had to take some liberties. First of all, I had to exclude mainstream rap, because as whole, the art of sampling great songs to make shitty songs has become so commonplace in rap that its deeply embedded in the genre. It’s a well known fact that if you’re a rapper, at some point you will butcher a classic: take for example, P. Diddy’s entire career. Second, I had to exclude songs from artists who make their living doing tribute songs: this ultimately meant that I had to omit the vast majority of Rod Stewart’s career as well. Last of all, selecting five God awful remakes was like wading through a septic tank picking out the nastiest turd: there’s a lot of crappy remakes out there, if you got, em’ post em’.

1. Behind Blue Eyes by Limp Bizkit: There was a time when you thought Limp Bizkit was cool. There was also a time when you believed in Santa Claus. Hope I’m not ruining anyone’s day, but on both counts you were incredibly stupid. Fred Durst has defined his career by creating one steaming hunk of garbage after another. The dude can’t rap, can’t sing, and sure as shit can’t write music. In light of these failures, the King of Suck decided to cover perhaps my favorite song by The Who…and relentlessly raped all of the songs original goodness. The Fred Durst version somehow managed to take away everything I loved in one fell swoop; a deplorable yet impressive feat. I say this without hesitation, if you like his version, go outside and attempt to curb stomp yourself.

2. Stairway to Heaven by Dolly Parton: There is but one rule in rock and roll…leave Stairway to Heaven the hell alone. Many have tried to cover this time honored classic, and all have failed (exception, Dave Grohl, whose hilarious cover poked fun at the masterpiece). Dolly Parton’s version, well, it’s what you would expect out of Dolly Parton: a painful country twangfest that lacks the iconic vocals, wailing guitars, and overall magnitude of the original. It’s brutal, to the point where I challenge anyone to listen to this abomination from start to finish. If you can, you either deserve an award or free lesson in sign language…you may be deaf. In the end, this remake is garbage…consider it Stairway Un-Leded

3. American Pie by Madonna: I have long thought that Madonna sucked…most people think otherwise and have successfully argued why she’s a capable artist…but I still think she sucks. Case and point: her 2000 slaughtering of American Pie. Don McLean wrote the this time honored classic as an abstract telling of the 1959 airplane crash that killed Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper: the day the music died. Unfortunately for McLean, his date was about 40 years off. The day the music died was when Madonna ruined a song important to our musical and cultural heritage by making it a dance-pop synth tune. It’s disgusting… what a whore.

4. Satisfaction by Brittney Spears: I almost considered leaving this one off the list. Sure, Satisfaction is quite possibly The Rolling Stones best track, and was deemed the #2 song of all time by Rolling Stone Magazine, but is something a remake if it sounds nothing like the original? In the end if figured the song shares the same title and lyrics as the original so it belongs on the list…it’s just so bad that it has nothing in common with the song its covering. I mean lets be real, at the time of its release, Spears hadn’t gone into her crazy slutty phase. How in God’s name can an “appears to be pure” music diva/media whore cover a song about sex and anti-commercialism…the shoe just doesn’t fit…and the remake sucks something awful.

5. Imagine by A Perfect Circle: This pick is perhaps the most disappointing for this list maker. Whereas picks 1-4 were by artists with minimal to no talent, number 5 is by a band that I feel is incredibly talented…its just this remake is inexcusable. John Lennon’s Imagine has a lot in common with Stairway to Heaven in that it is untouchable…so don’t try. APC did, and it’s a total butchery of a truly great song. The original was idealistically upbeat, revolving around concepts of hope and peace. APC somehow managed to make this song a downer…plus Maynard James Keenan is a fucking hypocrite. How can you write a song with Tool about wishing that a flood wipes out the world, and then cover a song with APC preaching peace and a brotherhood of man?

Dishonorable Mentions:

Born to Be Wild by Hinder
Holy Diver by Killswitch Engage
Tainted Love by Pussycat Dolls
Another Brick in the Wall by Korn
These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ by Jessica Simpson
D'yer Maker by Sheryl Crow

Top 5: Cereals

Like any self-respecting man, I am completely incapable of taking care of myself in any other way than making money.  I shrink my laundry, don’t cook anything more advanced than a toasted PB and Fluff sandwich, and haven’t ever purchased-let alone pushed a broom.

As a product of my ineptitudes in the kitchen, cereal has become more than a delicious breakfast treat.  It can be breakfast, lunch, dinner, or any of the snacks in between.  This has given me a tremendous amount of knowledge on the subject, the sort of knowledge that would take the average person several lifetimes to amass.

All of these cereals are best experienced in a large bowl, with a spoon the size of the palm of your hand, and 1% Oakhurst milk chilled to the point right before you start to get little frozen ice chunks in it.

1. Frosted Mini Wheats - The greatest cereal made by humans also stands as the greatest example of the delicate balance inherent in the act of eating cereal.  Before milk it is a dangerous mouth-shredding tool of the devil.  Wait a moment too long and they become a sloppy mess that you wouldn’t even feed to someone trying to force you to play the Resident Evil 5 demo.  Of course, anyone worth his/her salt in cereal eating knows the importance of cycling the wheats with your spoon to keep the bottom layer from getting soggy.  FMW stands as breakfast treat king.

2. Fruity Pebbles - Perhaps the greatest aspect of this cereal, aside from it’s heavenly taste and aroma, is the tiny size of each individual pebble.  It allows you to densely pack each bowl with deliciousness.  It all makes for a tremendous bang for your bowlful.  The fact that you get tasty fruity burps for the rest of the day only serves to strengthen this cereals spot on the charts.

3. Clusters - I don’t know what a cluster is made of, and I don’t care to find out.  The only way this cereal could be better is if they skipped the flakes and just made it all tastey mysterious clusters.

4. Oreo O’s - The desert of cereals.  This is the bowl you have after you have just had some Frosted Mini Wheats for supper.

5. Raisin Bran - This one makes the cut on sheer resiliency.  It is the only cereal that I have encountered that is equally good--nay, better--once it gets soggy.  It’s unreal.  Say you are eating some Raisin Bran and notice that you are going to be late for work.  Any other cereal and you say, “Screw it, I’m going to call in and quit so I can finish these Pebbles.”  With Raisin Bran, you just leave your bowl where it is, and finish them when you get home... and you get to keep your job.  Thanks Raisin Bran!

Top 5: Jay-Z Tracks

Jigga is the best rapper alive.  When he dies, he will be the best rapper dead.  If you don’t believe me, just ask him.  Here are his 5 hottest tracks.  Don’t you dare listen to these at any volume lower than “painful.”

1. Public Service Announcement - Set atop an inspired Just Blaze beat, this is Jay-Z doing what he does best: rap about Jay-Z.  The beat has a vintage sound to it as Jigga raps about his past, slinging before climbing to the top of the rap game.

Best line: “My name is Hov', OH, H-to-the-O-V, I used to move snowflakes by the O-Z”

2. Big Pimpin’ - There are probably better tracks, but none cooler.  Jay-Z is all about the ladies, and here he sets his verse ablaze on top of a red hot Timbo beat.  Before this song I wasn’t sure what Big Pimpin’ was, and I haven’t gone a day without living it since.

Best line: I’m tempted to just go with the whole first verse, but lets say: “In the cut where I keep em, til I need a nut, til I need to beat the guts, Then it's, beep beep and I'm pickin em up, Let em play with the dick in the truck”

3. I Just Wanna Love U - Jigga and Pharell describe a sick night in the club over a Neptunes production.  Some more great verses out of Jay here.  It’s all Crystal and model chicks.  Reminds me of college (minus the Crystal and model chicks).

Best line: “Yeah, save the narrative, you savin it for marriage, Let's keep it real ma, you savin it for karats, You wanna see how far i'ma go, How, much i'ma spend but you already know, Zip, zero, stingy with dinero”

4. N*gga What, N*gga Who - The originator, Jay-Z once again rapping about himself.  The woman in the background almost ruins a great thing, but the verses are just too good.  He quickfire brags about drug dealing, rap skills, and doin’ babymaking skills (minus the babies)... so it’s a typical song, only better.

Best line: “Got a condo with nuttin but condoms in it, The same place where the rhymes is invented, So all i do is rap and sex, imagine how i stroke, See how i was flowin on my last cassette?”

5. La La La (Excuse Me Miss) - A song about the political ramifications of a country that would rather spy on it’s citizens than insure them... j/k, It’s about how cool Jay-Z is, by Jay-Z.  He’s real cool, btw.

Best line: “I ask, Have you in your long-legged life, Ever seen a watch surrounded by this much pink ice, Look but don't touch, muthaf#$%a think twice, Cuz this gat that I clutch gotta little red light, Need a light?”

-Anthony

Top 5: John Cusack Movies in Which John Cusack Gets Rained On

An alternative title for this list could be Top 5 John Cusack Movies.

1. Say Anything - Cameron Crowe movies are so sweet you just want to hug them, and I don’t even feel lame typing that.  The movie is so unassuming that its greatness kind of sneaks up on you.  It’s funny but not a laugh-riot, and romantic but not a gayfest.

Rained on: Has emotional convo with his girl outside, in phone booth... soaked.

2. High Fidelity - Cusack talks to the camera, narrating all of his romantic mishaps.  Go back to the first PtP Hall of Fame post to read my love fest with this movie.

Rained on: Gets poured on, sits on bench.  Ex-girlfriend finds him after her fathers funeral and he does her in the car.

3. Being John Malkovitch - This movie is so strange and great.  If I described it to you right now it would be like me having sex with your brain.

Rained on: He has just “been” John Malkovitch and gets dumped out on a ditch in the freeway... guess what?  It’s raining.  His wife ditches him because she would rather have lesbian experiences while living vicariously through John Malkovitch’s body (oops, did I just penetrate your brain?)

4. Serendipity - If loving this movie means I’m gay then I don’t want to be straight.  Cusack puts in a superhuman effort to get with Beckinsale, and I don’t want to spoil the ending, but everyone dies.

Rained on: Technically I can’t remember if he gets rained on in this one... but I have to assume he does.  If he didn’t, then my tears of joy as they finally get to do each other have to count.

5. Identity - I’m not sure if this movie was actually good, but in the perpetually terrible slasher/horror genre it seems like Citizen Kane.

Rained on: I think there are a few seconds where they go inside and aren’t getting dumped on by the rain.

-Anthony

Top 5: Al Pacino Flicks

Al Pacino is the man. Someday, when I grow up, I want to be able to scream at people with the passion that Al Pacino has, it’s excellent. Here are my Top 5 Pacino films…although I have to admit that it was a difficult decision process. I have never seen Dog Day Afternoon and Serpico, although I have heard both movies are incredible. Also Pacino’s role in movies like Any Given Sunday and the Devil’s Advocate were great…its just the rest of the films were brought down by other things (namely Jamie Foxx and Keanu Reeves respectively). And The Godfather Part III…yeah, Sophia Coppola can go fuck herself…

1. The Godfather/The Godfather Part II : Yeah…I know, two movies, one spot, I cheated oh well sue me. Rather than punish myself with trying to reach a decision, I let them share the top spot. Frankly it’s too hard to pick between these two iconic movies. I prefer the first Godfather to the second, but honestly I think Pacino was better in the Godfather II; the scene where he finds out that his wife had an abortion is incredible, but then again what scene isn’t with these two movies.

2. Scent of a Woman: Out of sheer respect for the cinematic tour de force that is 2/3 of the Godfather Trilogy, I had to give it the top spot. It’s just assumed, game over if you disagree. If I had to pick a favorite Al Pacino movie, however, Scent of a Woman is without a doubt my top pick. Pacino’s portrayal of a blind Colonel is incredible. It is impossible to get sick of the random “Hooo Ahs!” scattered throughout the film. Plus the speech at the end of movie makes up for any of its shortcomings. This in my opinion is Pacino’s best role…period.

3. Scarface: This was kind of an odd pick for me. I always liked Scarface, but not with the ignorant passion that the hip hop community does (quoting Scarface on Cribs doesn’t make you a gangsta’). It’s a great flick, but it’s not flawless. In the end Pacino’s character Tony Montana is awesome and carried it to my number three spot…oh yeah and the line, “Fuck 'em all! I bury those cock-a-roaches!”…classic!

4. Glengarry Glen Ross: I saw this movie recently, and I must say that I am embarrassed that I’ve made it this far in life and have never even heard of this movie. I always loved Reservoir Dogs because it was an awesome example of dialogue done right, but I have to admit I think this movie does it better. Pacino is great as a disgruntled salesman, but is definitely helped out by an incredibly capable cast…Jack Lemmon…absolutely phenomenal. Throw in Ed Harris (who is severely underrated), Alec Baldwin (in perhaps his best role) and Kevin Spacey (well…he’s just Kevin Spacey) and you’ve got the makings for pretty good flick about selling real estate.

5. Carlito’s Way: Damn it this was a hard decision. I liked Heat a lot, and at one point had it in the number 5 slot, but in the end I just liked Carlito’s Way more. It’s pretty much a companion piece to Scarface, sharing similar themes, although I found this film to be smoother. We’ll see, there’s a good chance I might someday bump this down and move Heat up, but for now Carlito’s Way rules the day.

Thoughts?

-Matt

Top 5 Films About Infidelity

Valentines Day brings out the hopeless romantic in me, so here is a special Pixels to Polys Valentines edition Top 5 list, in spite of the fact that I dropped a controversial top 5 list on your faces already this week.

As much as I like a big gay sappy romance picture, I have always had a strange affinity for infidelity pictures.  Someday I hope to be married, so I can have a mistress.  Adultery: it feels so grown up (you can’t get “adultery” without “adult”).

1. Brief Encounter : The best cheating flick ever.  This thing was cutting edge back in 1946.  This dudes whore wife just keeps sneaking behind his back because he is such a Ted.  Great film.  Also, it’s something to see because the lead actress, Celia Johnson, is gorgeous when she smiles and ten different kinds of ugly when she doesn’t.  It’s startling.

2. Match Point : Johnathan Rhys-Meyers writes the book on how to handle your mistress if she starts flapping her gums like she’s gonna talk and ruin a good marriage you got going on.  A return to form for my favorite auteur, Woody Allen.

3. Closer : Four people keep swapping pairings with each other, cheating and what not, with lots of yelling in between.  This, for real, is one of my favorite movies.  They’re all such horrible, vile, self-involved people.  Reminds me of myself and my friends, minus the hot chick and Julia Roberts.

4. Vicky Christina Barcelona : Woody Allen is all over this list right now.  The dude from No Country for Old Men gets a hair cut, and all of a sudden he is doing every hot chick on the planet, and girls are climbing over their husbands to bed him.  

5. Unfaithful : Diane Lane gets all leggy and cheats on the Mothman.  Gere gets ticked and goes Primal Fear on him.  This one makes the cut purely based on the stems growing out the end of that Lane broad, and it is at the bottom of the list because the dude she cheats with is way too French.

Happy V-day.

Top 5: Alternative Sci-Fi Flicks

It’s hard to describe why I have always been so indifferent to the majority of the science fiction genre, but the space operas have never done it for me.  I have (gasp) never seen Star Wars, and dive for the remote should the television ever turn on with the Trek on screen.  Here, in the first of what should be a Pixels to Polys tradition of Top 5 lists, I will discuss my brand of sci-fi flicks.  These lean more toward a light saber-free view of the future.  One where fighting takes a back seat to the mysteries of the vast unknown (what a generic sentence).

1. Dark City : Think the Matrix if the Matrix were a great movie, rather than something that was cool at the time.  Science fiction meets film noir in this underrated classic.  I won’t spoil the end, but the film challenges our expectations of what a futuristic space ship could be.

2. Children of Men : Perhaps this doesn’t fit the genre, but Alfonso Cuarón’s distopian look into the not-so-distant future, full of nativity metaphors, fascinates me.  The cinemetography is amazing, all handheld with the most memorable use of tracking shots since Goodfellas.  It looks amazing while feeling all too real.

3. Wall-E : I’m strangely confident that this film will stand the test of time.  Combined with Ratatouille, these two animated films stand as an amazing acomplishment for director Brad Bird and studio Pixar.  The movie is all wonder and hope, and we just stare at it eyes agape.  It is about what film should be and what I think Sci-Fi should be.

4. 2001: A Space Oddyssey : Kubrick just messes with your head and challenges your patience.  I’ll admit that it won’t be my first pick to watch with the friends on a weekend, but it is a fascinating film to discuss at length.  HAL sort of encapsilates the Man vs. Machine theme that permeates the genre.

5. Solaris: What about a planet that feeds on memories?  --pause-- Talk amongst yourselves.  Slow and methodical, quiet and eerie, just like outer space.