Top 5: Worst Song Remakes

Oh God I hate it when bands cover other bands, the majority of the time they suck at it. Unless you’re Johnny Cash don’t do it! It is with this in mind that I came up with the Top 5 picks for worst song remakes ever. In making this list, however, I had to take some liberties. First of all, I had to exclude mainstream rap, because as whole, the art of sampling great songs to make shitty songs has become so commonplace in rap that its deeply embedded in the genre. It’s a well known fact that if you’re a rapper, at some point you will butcher a classic: take for example, P. Diddy’s entire career. Second, I had to exclude songs from artists who make their living doing tribute songs: this ultimately meant that I had to omit the vast majority of Rod Stewart’s career as well. Last of all, selecting five God awful remakes was like wading through a septic tank picking out the nastiest turd: there’s a lot of crappy remakes out there, if you got, em’ post em’.

1. Behind Blue Eyes by Limp Bizkit: There was a time when you thought Limp Bizkit was cool. There was also a time when you believed in Santa Claus. Hope I’m not ruining anyone’s day, but on both counts you were incredibly stupid. Fred Durst has defined his career by creating one steaming hunk of garbage after another. The dude can’t rap, can’t sing, and sure as shit can’t write music. In light of these failures, the King of Suck decided to cover perhaps my favorite song by The Who…and relentlessly raped all of the songs original goodness. The Fred Durst version somehow managed to take away everything I loved in one fell swoop; a deplorable yet impressive feat. I say this without hesitation, if you like his version, go outside and attempt to curb stomp yourself.

2. Stairway to Heaven by Dolly Parton: There is but one rule in rock and roll…leave Stairway to Heaven the hell alone. Many have tried to cover this time honored classic, and all have failed (exception, Dave Grohl, whose hilarious cover poked fun at the masterpiece). Dolly Parton’s version, well, it’s what you would expect out of Dolly Parton: a painful country twangfest that lacks the iconic vocals, wailing guitars, and overall magnitude of the original. It’s brutal, to the point where I challenge anyone to listen to this abomination from start to finish. If you can, you either deserve an award or free lesson in sign language…you may be deaf. In the end, this remake is garbage…consider it Stairway Un-Leded

3. American Pie by Madonna: I have long thought that Madonna sucked…most people think otherwise and have successfully argued why she’s a capable artist…but I still think she sucks. Case and point: her 2000 slaughtering of American Pie. Don McLean wrote the this time honored classic as an abstract telling of the 1959 airplane crash that killed Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper: the day the music died. Unfortunately for McLean, his date was about 40 years off. The day the music died was when Madonna ruined a song important to our musical and cultural heritage by making it a dance-pop synth tune. It’s disgusting… what a whore.

4. Satisfaction by Brittney Spears: I almost considered leaving this one off the list. Sure, Satisfaction is quite possibly The Rolling Stones best track, and was deemed the #2 song of all time by Rolling Stone Magazine, but is something a remake if it sounds nothing like the original? In the end if figured the song shares the same title and lyrics as the original so it belongs on the list…it’s just so bad that it has nothing in common with the song its covering. I mean lets be real, at the time of its release, Spears hadn’t gone into her crazy slutty phase. How in God’s name can an “appears to be pure” music diva/media whore cover a song about sex and anti-commercialism…the shoe just doesn’t fit…and the remake sucks something awful.

5. Imagine by A Perfect Circle: This pick is perhaps the most disappointing for this list maker. Whereas picks 1-4 were by artists with minimal to no talent, number 5 is by a band that I feel is incredibly talented…its just this remake is inexcusable. John Lennon’s Imagine has a lot in common with Stairway to Heaven in that it is untouchable…so don’t try. APC did, and it’s a total butchery of a truly great song. The original was idealistically upbeat, revolving around concepts of hope and peace. APC somehow managed to make this song a downer…plus Maynard James Keenan is a fucking hypocrite. How can you write a song with Tool about wishing that a flood wipes out the world, and then cover a song with APC preaching peace and a brotherhood of man?

Dishonorable Mentions:

Born to Be Wild by Hinder
Holy Diver by Killswitch Engage
Tainted Love by Pussycat Dolls
Another Brick in the Wall by Korn
These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ by Jessica Simpson
D'yer Maker by Sheryl Crow