I’m a little late to the funeral but stick with me. Allow me, for a few moments, to speak to the men and women who have downloaded and played the Resident Evil 5 demo.
For effect, imagine me reading this post to you in hushed tones; the sort that you would speak to a refugee or hostage survivor. If this rant segues in to hyperbole at any point, I hope you will forgive me.
The RE5 demo raped my mother.
Okay, it didn’t, but I really hated it.
First off, I’ve got to hand it to Capcom. All these years since the first Resident Evil game and they still think it’s fun for your character to control like a mongoloid wading waist deep in his own fecal matter.
It isn’t, by the way.
The problem is highlighted by the lack of a cone of action. In old RE games you would have a corridor, and enemies would come at you from one direction. Now they come at you from 360 degrees, so it actually hurts that you control like a World War I tank being driven by retards on sedatives (too many similes?... ya, you’re right, I got greedy).
On the bright side, you can not have fun with your friends via the games new co-op mode. This seems like the best way to lose friends since Matt invented sleeping with his friends girlfriends. Maybe he didn’t invent it, but he did perfect it... he’s nabbed a few of mine, and we are no longer on speaking terms.
Remember when Matt referred to Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures as aural suicide lubricant? While Joy Division’s music is suicide inducing in content, the RE5 demo draws out the same tendencies in content and execution. It had me glancing around the room for something sharp to run across my wrists. At least if this had come out on the PS2 I could have strangled myself with my controller cord.
It’s not all bad, allegedly. The graphics are gorgeous. It’s like visiting the prettiest extermination camp.
Either way, if my roommate buys this game like he says he is going to, I am going to lock the front door and burn down the house with him in it.
Played the demo a few weeks ago... i am still trying to bleed out.
ReplyDeletewhat the hell Capcom?! RE4 was one of my favorite games...and you give me this...you give me a "mongoloid wading waist deep in his own fecal matter"...not sure whether to cry, riot, or kill myself...prolly not kill myself, too much work and someone would get my spot on this blog..
ReplyDeleteOk, so I've had time to play the demo, hate it, and then play it again...You can set the controls up like RE4, but ultimately it still sucks cause' the games trying to be an action game with survival game controls, just doesn't fit...
ReplyDeleteOh yeah...Wii controls were the perfect fit for RE, they suck for everything else but aiming a gun, going back to dual sticks made me want to kill myself with a chainsaw, I hate to say it, but I don't ever want to play another FPS or TPS without a wiimote or a mouse...
but yeah, RE5's gonna suck because they abandoned most of what RE4 made great, and then they managed to fuck up much of what they borrowed