Review: Public Enemies

Michael Mann knows how to film bank robberies. And when you have a man that knows how to film bank robberies making a movie about some of the most notorious bank robbers of all time, you know you are in for a treat.
The movie is based on actual events revolving around the pursuit and eventual killing of bank robber John Dillinger. He hangs with Baby Face Nelson and a crew of other wise guys who wield tommy guns like gangsters, which is convenient because they are gangsters. Real gangsters, not the shit we consider gangsters today.
Johnny Depp does a great job playing Dillinger. This role is so different for Depp, who usually explores weird-psychadelic-I'm-drunk-all-the-time roles. Dillinger is a likeable guy, a murder and notorious felon, but a guy you would have to invite to the party you are having because, well, he is the party. Depp covers this well, though I think if anyone else played the role I wouldn't have been too amazed. It was just odd to see Depp grounded.
Christian Bale plays the naive FBI poster boy Melvin Purvis, and is fantastic. I like how he never whips out the gruffy Batman voice, and he legit plays a character who thinks in tunnel vision and has no real experience or original ideas on how to catch Dillinger. This was good stuff reminiscent of Bale's great work in American Psycho or the Machinist, before he became an action movie icon.
Mann once again does a great job producing a well written screenplay and an authentic film. It doesn't FEEL like 1934, it IS 1934. And there is a big difference. He adds so many subtleties into his films, like the wise guy crew shoveling food into their mouths and hurriedly leaving their safe house to get ahead of the cops. That's right, bad guys have to eat too. And they do it on the run. I've said all this before in my induction of Heat into the HOF (back when I used to write HOF posts). Mann does a great job creating suspense AND having action, and they usually happen at the same time, which I think is a very hard thing to accomplish. You are worrying about one character while trying to dodge bullets with another. It's great.
Like the Celtics, the supporting cast in this movie rocks. It is so nice to see a movie where nearly every role is well acted, even the very minor ones. Stars of other movies play characters that are on screen for no more than a few minutes. It adds so much and makes the film consistent.
The movie does drag a little bit, it's just under two and a half hours, but there isn't really anything I would cut out. The story just takes time to tell.
I was happy to see a movie that had story line this summer.
Definitely check this movie out, it'll be a refreshing move from the shit storm of movies that has plagued theaters for the past few months.





- Dabs

Hall of Fame : Week 16

Last week it was brought to my attention that we, the writers at PtP, have been neglecting an overwhelming number of renowned masterpieces in favor of newly famed alternative and indie picks. While I disagree with the idea that newer albums be left out of the HoF simply because of their recency, I completely agree with the sentiment expressed…we really have been disproportionately been favoring newer music at the expense of some blatantly deserving seasoned picks. Considering the other writers at PtP have completely forgotten about this blog, the HoF, and deadlines, I took the liberty of doing a 70’s album induction week. Hopefully that gives us some leeway to induct newer picks while making sure important classics get the attention they deserve…Anthony, Dabs, and Pat…my backs getting sore from carrying your lazy asses….

2112 by Rush

In 1976 the Canadian three-piece known as Rush entered rock history by officially embracing progressive rock during its dying days…a bold move. For those unfamiliar with progressive rock, or prog, it is a widely ridiculed genre known for being a pretentious, overblown, and overlong fusion of synth rock and classical music. At its best prog is a guilty pleasure, at its worst prog can be frustratingly unnecessary and almost unlistenable.

Yet Rush was somehow different…

Unlike their fraternal brothers from England (Yes, ELP, Genesis, and King Crimson), Rush offered something different than classically inspired synth tunes…Rush gave us legitimate rock music that is fantastically complex yet unapologetically ballsy. Vocalist/bassist Geddy Lee screams throughout the album like a pissed off version of Alvin and the Chipmunks; axmen Alex Lifeson, who I consider to be criminally underrated, relentlessly wails the piss out of his guitar; and drummer Neal Peart arguably gives John Bonham of Led Zeppelin fame a rival…no small feat considering Bonzo played with tree trunks! This album is a big deal my friends.

2112 begins with its title track, a sprawling twenty minute epic complete with dystopic storyline and cheesy sci-fi sound effects…only in the 70’s could this track see the light of day. Although one would assume this would be like listening to ELP’s Tarkus all over again (dear God that song was brutal), surprisingly, Rush effortlessly pulls it off without coming across as self-indulgent. The Overture/Temple of Syrinx section is without question the most famous, and everyone’s favorite, but really the track should be listened to in it entirety…there’s a lot to be found here. The title track is easily worth the price of the album alone (it does take up half the album so that was a stupid comment, but whatever). Aside from the it’s signature song (which has historically dwarfed the importance of the other tracks), Passage to Bangkok and Something for Nothing keep the record driving along…c’mon people, the record had two sides!

In the end 2112 is a bold album that gave Canada something to be proud of other than plaid flannel. Despite being left off various “top albums of 70’s lists” (what the fuck Pitchfork?!) the album is an unquestionable a classic that’s earned its hall of fame status. I’d go on more about this album, but I’m a little tied up in saving human kind from a galactic totalitarian state banning music…I’ll see you in 2112.

Reggata de Blanc by The Police

Today it is almost universally acceptable to trash on Sting in the same manner that is acceptable to trash on Elton John or Phil Collins…the artists newer stuff completely dwarfs their older, superior work and not surprisingly, it leaves a bad aftertaste. It’s almost kind of sad. From my insular perspective, Sting has gone on to write annoyingly soggy slow songs that lack the bite of his earlier work with The Police (and Desert Rose is godamn annoying as well!). Even within the Police discography I suggest listeners be choosy. If you want a definitive Police album, follow one simple rule: only listen to their albums that have weird, foreign sounding names. It’s a fairly restrictive rule considering Ghost in the Machine and Synchronicity are arguably two staples of 80’s radio, but in actuality The Polices early stuff is what’s important.

The Police’s first album Outlandos D’Amour introduced the world to Andy Summers, Stewart Copeland, and Sting…three white dudes rocking out to a unique fusion of reggae, punk, and new wave. The album gave us the universially heard track Roxanne and is one of the greatest albums of all time. So how does a band top that? They give us Regatta De Blanc.

On The Police’s sophomore album, the energy of their debut is slightly toned down, making for a more atmospheric album. That’s not to say its dull, its just more refined. Stings trademark squawks still dominate the album, as does Steward Copeland's precision-focused drumming. Tracks like Message in a Bottle, Bring on the Night, Walking on the Moon, and The Beds Too Big Without You, are easily recognizable as the top tracks, but all and all the album is good from start to finish. In the end Reggatta de Blanc is a HoF worthy album despite the fact that Sting is now synonimous with terrible soft rock jams...oh how the mighty have fallen.

Rumours by Fleetwood Mac

As the genre of rock and roll is continually debased and watered down into mindless drivel year after year, listening to Rumours is an important reminder of what rock should be. Following their 1975 smash reinvention, the eponymously titled Fleetwood Mac, the band somehow managed to exceed anyone’s expectations…blindsiding rock listeners by creating arguably one of the greatest albums of all time (for those curious, on my personal list…its number 8)

Rumours is one of those brilliant albums that was born out of turmoil, much like Dylan’s Blood on the Tracks or the Beatle’s White Album. While conflict often times tears apart a band, it occasionally can lead to musical gold for those who can endure it. In the creation of Rumours, everyone in the band was miserable: Vocalist Stevie Nicks and guitarist Lindsey Buckingham were ending their relationship, bassist John McVie and keyboardist Christine McVie divorced the previous year, drummer Mick Fleetwood was going through a divorce with his wife, and to add fuel to the fire, their addictions with cocaine had become out of control. If there ever was a breakup album, Rumours is it.

Despite being forged under the worst of circumstances, Rumours isn’t the drag one wouldn’t expect it to be. Filled to the brink with hit songs, Rumours is a surprisingly upbeat take on breakups that comprised a massive portion of 70’s radio. By my count, eight of the eleven songs on the album receive regular radio play…that’s unheard of:

Second Hand News
Dreams
Go Your Own Way
Don't Stop
The Chain
You Make Loving Fun
I Don’t Want to Know
Gold Dust Woman

I’d love to go on about this album, but frankly, if you haven’t heard any of these songs before you just don’t know good music and probably never will…sorry. In the end any HoF that omits Rumours is damn near laughable…by not inducting this album we were showing the world how inept we really are…here’s to legitimacy bitches!

The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust by David Bowie

As touched on in my write-up of 2112, there are definitely things rock musicians could pull off in the 60’s and 70’s that they never could pull off today. The Sci-Fi themed albums of the 70’s have clearly fallen out of favor with today’s mainstream musicians (at least the good ones), and looking back they come across as comical, but without question some of best albums of all time were built upon goofy sci-fi concepts…case and point The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust.

With Ziggy Stardust, David Bowie told the story of earth’s immanent destruction and the messiah-like extra terrestrial that arrives on earth to be our savior…only to be caught up in rock and roll style burnout. Weird…yes…a good listen…definetally. If 2112 is my induction of a prog rock classic, Reggata de Blanc is my punk pick, and Rumours is my selection of pop rock landmark, than Ziggy Stardust is my excursion into a staple of glam rock; a weird subgenre of rock defined by flamboyant lyrics, guitar driven sound, and of course, campy theatrical performances.

Like my previous induction of The Who’s Tommy, Ziggy Stardust must be listened to from start to finish to get the full effect; picking and choosing songs flat out kills the vibe. Sure Moonage Daydream, Starman, Ziggy Stardust, and Suffragette City have become radio favorites, but it is their place in the album that really makes them shine.

While Ziggy Stardust doesn’t garner the high reviews the Bowie's Low does, the first of his Berlin Trilogy and his work with Brian Eno, in my opinion Ziggy Stardust is the definitive David Bowie album. It's an overtop glam rock pleasure from start to finish. Bowie is at his best with this album, making androgynous love with the microphone while guitarist Mick Ronson injects enough hard rock balls into the album to make women orgasm on command….that’s right I went there…

-Matt

Review: Transformers – Revenge of the Fallen

“Autobots! Self-destruct!” Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is an incredibly painful experience that mindlessly sacrifices plot and character development for crude humor and stupid campy dialog. While the first film wasn’t exactly Oscar worthy, it was above all other things, enjoyable. RotF overstays its welcome, and by the end of it you’re willing to claw your way to the nearest bar just to drink away how bad this movie really is…where to begin?

Revenge of the Fallen is a frustrating example of a good franchise being spoiled by absolutely atrocious writing. Within the first thirty minutes of the film, it becomes blatantly apparent that the writers cared little for plot…and by writers I mean prepubescent schizophrenic monkeys at the apex of a sugar high. Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is off to college leaving behind his brand new robot-transforming-Camero and his centerfold quality girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox) for the thrills higher education…because after robotic aliens attack and I get the girl of my dreams the first thing I’m concerned about is college…whatever…While moving out Sam conveniently finds a shard of the Allspark in his sweatshirt pocket from the first film, and after examining it, goes into epileptic episodes complete with visions of arcane symbols. These symbols were from an ancient language used by the Transformers when they came to Earth in 17,000 BC. From this flashback we are introduced to a new villain, The Fallen, who commands Megatron in manner plagiarized from Star Wars. As the film progresses, we learn that the Decepticons need these symbols to locate an ancient energy source capable of destroying our sun but essential in sustaining their race, so they set out to coerce the symbols from Sam. At this point the plot is so unrecognizable that I can really only summarize it as follows: stupid riddles, tied to an idiotic artifact search, drowned in dialogue from two Jar Jar Binks-esqe robots, topped off with the corniest out of body experience in movie history…that about does it.


So where did the plot go? Down the toilet is the best answer I can give, because the film is filled with enough “potty humor” to keep six year olds entertained for weeks…because somehow the writers thought the six year old demographic would lose interest in fighting robots that transform in everyday machines…yeah. In this movie we see: Sam’s mom high on pot brownies, we see a Decpticon's testicles, we John Turturro in a jock strap, Sam’s roommate taze himself in the nuts, two dogs feverishly humping, and a Decpticon feverishly humping Megan Fox. On top of all this, swears are artificially injected into the dialogue to give it more of an edge. While not offensively vulgar, these comedic failures really detract from the film and come across as tacky.

Speaking of dialogue, there really is no dialogue in this whole film worth remembering. Somewhere along the line the filmmakers thought it was a good decision to throw out the comedic banter between the humans and the Autobots from the first film, and just replace it with mindless chatter with no redeeming quality. Twin Autobots Skidz and Mudflap dominate this film with borderline-racist-quality Ebonics that will make any viewer question what their seven dollar ticket went to. And the Autobots from the first film? With the exception of Optimus Prime’s iconic growl and Bumblebee's signature radio-speak, they are completely silent throughout the movie…bummer.

Like The Matrix: Reloaded and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest before it, Revenge of the Fallen takes what was present in the first film and amps it up to the point of suffering. Yeah, we get enough explosions and robot fights to make eyes sore and our ears stop functioning, but there’s so much of it that it’s unsatisfying. An apple a day keeps the doctor away…500 apples a day will make your stomach explode. RotF suffers from trying to do too much with too little back it up, and it stretches itself thin. Unlike the first film, the audience is disconnected from the characters and therefore has no stake in who wins or loses. Revenge of the Fallen can be described as a dazzling achievement for CGI and an utter failure for all other things movie related. Avoid this hunk of scrap at all costs.

Stream This: Is that Dabs?

You all know the story. I stopped posting on the blog for a while, then that backstabber Dabs started running my name through the mud. To think I jumped through hoops to hire him on as PtP intern. Well anyway, he bounced once I came back, and for those of us wondering where he went and what he's been up to, I think I've found video evidence... apparently he is starting dance parties at weird festivals... catch him in the dark shorts in the video below.

-Anthony

Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Katahdin - Abol Trail

Ya, hiking’s not media. So sue me. We do it to be one with nature, and to realize how much our lives would suck if we were always stuck outside, forced to walk long distances without movies and games to keep our attention. The fact that I’ve now gone on upwards of 2 hikes makes me an instant expert: I’m pretty sure I’m ten times the hiker than the average sort of unathletic-pathetic-excuse-for-a-human that is usually attracted to the activity due to a lack of friends or adequate gaming systems. So here is my ongoing guide to the trails that I hike this summer. It’s a free taste, and I plan on combining my posts into a hikers guide that I will have printed and published... I can see it now, me on the talk show circuit, chatting it up with the Letterman’s and Conan’s of the world and ignoring all you people that I used to pretend were my friends.

Date of Hike: May 30, 2009

Hikers:
Cayle - 6’3’’, 121 lbs
Strengths: lanky frame, strong conditioning, heartless disregard for those less in shape than him
Weaknesses: sense of style will get him no where with Mother nature, skinny frame will provide little sustenance if we get lost and I am forced to resort to cannibalism

Parker - 6’, 168 lbs (soaking wet)
Strengths: disregard for his own life, daring, lack of dignity
Weaknesses: lack of dignity

Vete - 5’10’’, 175 lbs
Strengths: resilience in the face of certain defeat when blatantly overmatched by a cruel and unforgiving mountain trail
Weaknesses: Abol Trail on Mount Katahdin

Anthony (me) - 6’, 190 lbs (all muscle)
Strengths: strong back, raw sexuality
Weaknesses: none

Abol Trail

Abol was named after John Abol who found the trail in 1864 when... sorry, I can’t keep up with this charade. I’m pretty sure that the trail is short for “abolishment,” because the trail was a sin against heaven and Vete’s knees. It is the steepest climb up Katahdin, made only more difficult by the fact that I had to drag Vete’s dead carcass up and down the trail.

The Hike was steep and steady up to the treeline, and clouds obscured our vision as we stopped for water and wait for Vete to catch up breaks. I spent a good portion of the climb reassuring Parker and Cayle and saying stuff like:
“Vete wouldn’t want us to wait up anyway.”
and
“Don’t help him up that steep and dangerous incline, or he’ll never learn.”

A few wrong turns after we reached the table added another half mile to the hike as we went around to the opposite side of the mountain to climb some strange trail that was supposed to be closed. Parker kept group morale up by making up corny and offensively un-funny play on words like:
“The probably call it Abol because so few are a-ble to do it.”
and
“I’m AWOL for ABOL.”

Come to think of it I kinda hate that kid.

With gravity on our side, and only a few more wrong turns working against us, the hike down was a little easier than the trip up. At the bottom I speant the better part of an hour trying to convince Cayle and Parker that,
“Vete would want us to leave Katahdin without him if he wasn’t out by now.”

Eventually Parker went search and rescue for Vete and he emerged from the trail’s mouth a broken, hobbled, and relieved man. A good time was had by most.

Difficulty on a scale of 1-Quadricep Suicide
8

Beauty and Scenic Vistas on a scale of 1-ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews
7

Hike coolness on a scale of 1-Coltrain
9

-Anthony

Hall of Fame: Week 15

It's getting into full summertime mode here at the PtP offices. So what better way to start another amazing summer weekend than with a little HoF PtP? It's times like these that we prefer to crack open a few cold ones, while Anthony sips on his spritzer, and just enjoy the fruits of our past media consumption.

This week Matt pays homage to the king of fighting games and makes me want to get back into the old arcade, Dabs gives us a show that really probably represents the PtP crowd far too well and unfortunately was canceled far too soon. Anthony gives us an throwback to a true zombie flick where you don't have to worry about them running like cheetahs and leaping like monkeys; but damn don't you learn something about humanity. As for myself I explore a band that really reached its potential after it dumped some of its trash. Enjoy.

-Pat

The Game: Street Fighter II

Want to know if someone is a true gamer or not, ask them what is the greatest fighting game of all time…if they give you any other answer than Street Fighter II, their opinion is to be discarded and from then on they are to be considered a gaming novice. One can spend hours debating the best FPS, platformer, shmup, etc. as these are open to opinion. But in the world of fighters, it is impossible, yes impossible, for anyone to logically dispute Street Fighter II as the greatest fighting game of all time.

Question: Why go to the arcade when home consoles offer amazing titles for a one time fee? Answer: Because some arrogant shithead is at the arcade and thinks he can demoralize you in front of your friends using Blanca (Ken all the way baby!). Street Fighter II was amazing in that it was one of the few games responsible for revitalizing the arcade industry…once again lines were trailing out of your favorite arcade…enter the hardcore gamer. Sure one could take on the computer, but the real pride came from defeating your peers. SFII wasn’t the first fighting game…but it was the first to do it well, introducing several features that have become important staples of the fighting genre (multiple characters, different move lists, combos, refined one on one gameplay). Unlike any game before it, Street Fighter II promoted a player driven culture that has forever changed the world of gaming. Forget Doom WADS, forget downloadable map packs, forget Little Big Planet, Street Fighter II was one of the first games where players were responsible for game content. Instead of squashing pirating, Capcom legitimized it by adopting features of pirated SFII arcades in future updates (Championship Edition, Hyper Fighting, Super Street Fighter II).

Putting the historical importance of this game aside, Street Fighter II is as fun today as it ever was...anyone can take a shot at this fighter and enjoy it…its timeless. Released eighteen years ago, the game visually impressive; the characters still appear varied and unique, the backgrounds are still bright and colorful. In one fell swoop Capcom made Walt Disney look like a talentless hobo. Today the franchise shows no signs of slowing; Street Fighter IV, released recently has been met with great praise (…and is a blatant nod to SFII). Although we have been blessed with great franchises such as Tekken, Soul Calibur, Virtua Fighter, Mortal Kombat, and countless others, it is important to revere the king…long live Street Fighter II.

-Matt


The Show: Freaks and Geeks

How come all great TV shows are canceled prematurely? Oh, because America is stupid, I forgot.
Freaks and Greeks was a great come-drama based in 1980 that introduced some of the top names in current comedy and film: Seth Rogen, James Franco, and Jason Segel. The concept was great, two groups of friends living the real eighties of awkwardness, being dumped, ditched and doped up.
The Freaks were older, dealing with relationships and pot and the absolute shittiness that is high school. They skip class to smoke a bowl, party late night, and overall do the things I should have done in high school more often. The comedy was amazing, subtle and insulting in true PtP fashion. But even as they bitch about their dead end town and how their band should take it to the next level (and not just cover Rush), they seem to take for granted the fact that they all have each other's backs.

This element is found with the Geeks as well. Needless to say I could relate with these guys a lot. Pushed around, beat up, and completely overlooked by the female species (at least they were pursuing girls though, that is where Anthony went wrong. But at least he has Mulligan to massage him to sleep at night.) Classic moment is when lanky,coke-bottle-eye-glasses-wearing Bill drinks a bunch of beer from a keg and is rolling around on the floor. Or when he makes out with a chick. Basically everything Bill does is hilarious, including breathing.

The show reminded me of a Wonder Years for a new generation and sans the narration. There was no wise voice speaking in the background forcing the theme down your throat, it was hilariously acted out in front of you.

The show lasted a mere 18 episodes. A shame and failure for American television as we know it.
So I'm pumped to hear some Lincoln hatred on this one, bitches.

-Dabs


The Movie: Dawn of the Dead

31 years ago George A. Romero released the follow-up to Night of the Living Dead. Dawn, while not an actual sequel, was a spiritual predecessor, thematically carrying the torch of the original. This time Romero used the film’s setting, an abandoned shopping mall, to take aim on American consumer culture, as zombies wander from store to store without really distinguishing themselves much from their living counterparts that used to frequent its stores. Like any zombie film worth its salt the symbolism is there, and like any good zombie film it’s about as subtle as an axe to the head. Like the director’s original film, the movie is less about the zombies than the people trying to survive them. The survivors find refuge in the mall, and use barricades to isolate themselves from the walking dead. Romero is making the same point here as he was in the original: the living dead aren’t the biggest threat to humanity here... humanity is the biggest threat to itself. The 2003 remake of the film was well-made, but while it added faster zombies and zombie-babies it neglected the ironic humor and social satire. I prefer the latter, even though Zombie-Baby was undeniably cool. It all ends the only way that a zombie apocalypse can end... hint: It doesn’t end well.

-Anthony


The Album: One Day Remains by Alter Bridge

The formation of this band possibly was one of the greatest things that I got to follow with such amazing enjoyment words can’t even describe how it still makes me laugh at Scott Stapp. The birth of this band came from the gutted remains of what was Creed, and while that band was alright Alter Bridge took the best elements, being Mark Tremonti, Scott Philips and Brian Marshall, and left the suck that was Scott Stapp for the greatly talented Myles Kennedy.

First a little Scott Stapp disclaimer… If there is one band member above all else that I loathe it is this self serving prick. Never mind the fact that man literally licks Sanford’s nuts to increase his solo album sales, but his utter lack of talent and disrespect for his former band, music and the fans is to this day the epitome of what is a “tool”.

Back to the HoF… Alter Bridge did not disappoint with their debut album. There is literally not a bad track on it. The vocals are a far cry from the heavy grunge that Creed was known for in its early albums but rather this was more alternative with a lead singer who not only could actually sing correct notes and match chords, but also had a range that was just sick to listen to.

One Day Remains contains both fast/get up type music as well as some moderate contemplative tunes, I wouldn’t dare to call them slow, even “In Loving Memory” picks up the count shortly into the track but the message isn’t lost with it.
Bottom line was that Creed died creating the phoenix that is Alter Bridge and really nothing was lost, the only things were gains with Kennedy; a singer who these band members truly deserved, and the new sound/voice that really is enjoyable to listen to.

-Pat

Stream This: Auto-Tune the News

Sometimes you just come across something that has been out there for a while, but is just too good to pass up. There are currently four of these out, but being a Ron Paul fan this is def my fav. (although the newest one #4 is sick too)

-Pat

Babymaking Nation Vol. 6

In = puts you closer to impregnating women
Out = distances you from spreading your seed

It’s B-Nation Volume Six, Reeeeemiiiiiiix.

In

Not Blogging - I’ve been practicing this one for the last 2-4 weeks. Hey, you’d think that starting and writing a sick blog like Pixels to Polys would make women grow off your dick then hop back on it, but this is not the case. I stopped blogging nearly a month ago and have been swimming in vaginas ever since (metaphorically speaking of course). Frankly, I’m going to start blogging again because I’ve got to work to pay all the child support. Babies gotta eat.

Desmond Hatchett - With 21 kids with (at least) 11 different mothers at the age of 29 this dude is like the Winston Churchill of babymaking. Seriously, I’m tempted to rename this segment Desmond Hatchett Nation unless one person can give me a good reason not to---and no, the fact that he is screwing over the 11 mothers with tiny child support checks doesn’t count as a good reason. Don’t be mad at dude for finding a loop-hole in the system. Man is a genius and a legend. (See below video, credit to Barstool)


Out

Periods - I’m not talking about the things at the end of a sentence. These terrible time-frames in the unfortunate males lives are when he has to deal with some serious attitude. I’m no doctor, but by my estimation a woman’s body can produce 3-9 gallons of blood from her private area during what seems like 2-3 months, but is probably just a few days. What’s worse, if you manage to, a-hem, brave the storm and throw some loving in your lady, you still can’t make a kid... take my word on that one. Some terrible things can’t be unremembered.

Magic the Gathering - I have been in the vicinity of many Magic the Gathering card games, and never once, has anyone even approached 1st base with an actual girl within a 15-mile-radius of said games. Trust me fellows, if you go to a Magic “Party,” mana is the only thing that is gonna get tapped, if you follow my meaning. Fact: if you tape a Black Lotus card to your ball sack, then go to bed, you will wake up a eunuch.

You’re welcome guys. The king has returned.

-Anthony

Places to go during a Zombie Apocalypse: My House

So hopefully we all start adding these.
Now, my house is obviously not the top choice here. I have just been here for the past few days and have really gotten to think about how it would make a good place to survive the zombie apocalypse. Trying to be realistic, I would probably already be at my house when the zeds start attacking.

1.) It's two stories. The top story can be completely cut off from the first, thus stopping any zombies from entering the top strong hold. However, a better way to secure the central home complex would be to control the top and bottom, as the bottom is half underground and can be easily defended with a little planning.

2.) There are multiple buildings- house, garage, barn - that can be used as storage or living space if necessary.

3.) A generator that can power the house is already hooked up as a back up if the power goes out, and already has gas reserves. It is like my dad is also planning for the apocalypse, no?

4.) We have a garden area already planted and drawn out that can be easily reseeded and yield crops every year. Also have all necessary gardening tools.

5.) Truck, four wheeler and an SUV make some good vehicles to have.

6.) Two ponds provide food in the form of trout and a plentiful, spring fed water supply.

7.) It is set back from the road in a relatively remote area surrounded by forest. There is a bog to one side and forest all around. This would make it easy to put a makeshift fencing system (nailing posts horizontally from tree to tree).

8.) Has two wood stoves and plenty of wood around for keeping warm in the winter.

9.) Has porch with removable windows for sniping.

10.) Motion sensor lights.

11.) Guns.

12.) There are more than enough tools to fix most car, plumbing and electrical problems. Also an air compressor which can be used for several different things.

Obviously there are downsides to this. Though I am rather isolated, there is still a town of 20,000 nearby. However with proper early fortification and team work I think the house could be easily defended and provide sustenance for quite some time.

-Dabs

Hall of Fame : Week 14

The PtP Hall of Fames haven’t exactly been punctual lately…except this one. Before we get to inducting this weeks indisputable picks, (seriously, argue these picks and I’ll be at your house issuing out curb stompings) I want to say congrats to our writers…we had this puppy written by Tuesday…a new record! At any rate, this week Pat prepares for an isometrically viewed war between the Terrans, the Protoss, and the Zerg, only to find out what happens when he can’t afford to produce more units 'cause he ran out of resources; Dabs tears up as he says goodbye to Optimus Prime and Megatron, but finds some comfort in the voices of Leonard Nemoy and the guy from Unsolved Mysteries; Anthony says fuck books and inducts our first TV show, complete with questioning incest, banana stand economics, the importance of segways, and the hilarity of model homes; lastly I ramble on to no end about my favorite album of all time…it’s a good week.

Game: StarCraft

It wasn’t the first real-time strategy game. In fact the parent company of StarCraft released two versions of another popular RTS (WarCraft) before this masterpiece hit the shelves. This game continues to be, even 12 years after it was released (that’s right twelve), one of the most actively played strategy games.

Blizzard has always made creating a top notch game their number one priority. To hell with deadlines or when marketing says the title has to launch; if Blizzard says it’s not ready yet… better sit yourself down and find something else to occupy yourself for the next two years, at a minimum. This requirement for perfection in their games however has created titles that have never disappointed in any aspect of the game, be it the gameplay itself, the cinematics, or the storyline. Each element seems to flow with an artistry and a passion that is unparalleled in the video game industry.

StarCraft’s strength is in its balance. A game comprised of three races battling each other would be just another game with the fatal flaw that there is one specific way to win if you do this list or follow this formula, then you can’t lose. That doesn’t work with StarCraft. You think you can rush someone with a bunch or zerglings and BAM you get F’d by some SCV or worse some Zealot. The tables turn and now you have to go on the defensive. There is no clear cut way to victory in the multiplayer arena though there are definitely strategies that will work much better than others. That is the brilliance of the game, in that it doesn’t matter what you play as or who you face whatever the situation there is a method or a strategy to counter each the other players moves. That is a rare quality in games today.

The single player campaign is also very well put together with a storyline that is enjoyable to follow. Forcing the player to use each race throughout the game creates a certain attachment to each race and gives you an exposure that no doubt will be useful in the coming multitude of multiplayer experiences.

StarCraft is ultimately still the champion in real-time strategy gaming. While there be many vying for the throne I don’t think we will see that happen until Blizzard finally decides to unleash the sequel to this masterpiece.

-Pat

The Movie: Transformers The Movie (1986)

Back before Michael Bay and Stephen Spielberg got their hands on the Hasbro goldmine, their was the true battle between the Autobots and Decepticons.
It is because of this movie that I watched the new movie, anticipating seeing my favorite robots in disguise recreated in digital beauty. The new movie was good, but without this classic it is nothing. The stellar cast of Prime, Megatron, Starscream, Soundwave, Ultra Magnus, Hot Rod...the list goes on...is enough to make a grown man drool. This was a true battle between good, evil and even more evil (Orson Welles amazingly voiced Unicron).
Watching this movie recently with a friend we found ourselves amazed at the attention to detail in the animation. Sure it isn't Wall-E, but it blows most modern cartoons out of the water and doesn't feel forced.
And the story is amazing. Prime overcomes his arch-nemesis, Megatron, but dies in the process, and Unicron threatens to eat all planets. All in a couple hours. How cool is that? Damn cool, that's how cool it is.
The movie is a cultural icon. To try and explain it any further would just be reinventing the wheel.
We watch Bay's Transformers looking for references to the original (the transforming sound, "more than meets the eye") or at least those of us that are geeky enough to sing the song "you got the touch....you got the powwwerr" in the shower.
So honestly, have some 80's pride. If you haven't seen this crawl out of your hermit hole and watch it. The only risk you run is you'll like it more than the new films.

-Dabs

The Television Show: Arrested Development

Ya, that’s right, we watch some TV at PtP. I’ve made a huge mistake in not inducting this sooner. Fox’s cure for the stale, laugh-tracked, studio audienced sit-com lasted three progressively shorter seasons. The show racked up the awards, but it was not clear if anyone was watching besides the critics. The show is about the dysfunctional Bluth family, a stalwart in the pre-fab home industry, as they try to stay afloat as their father and CEO of the company is imprisoned for various crimes that seem to pile up as the seasons rolled on. The show’s strength was it’s self referential comedy, and layered humor that became increasingly hilarious after repeated viewings. The cast was fantastic, with Jason Bateman’s Michael Bluth at the heart of the show. The standouts were certainly the nervous George Michael (Michael Cera, perfecting his stuttering-shy comedy brilliance), the impossibly self-important G.O.B. (Will Arnett), and the impossibly, um, gay Tobias (David Cross). There are countless moments to mention that combined to make this one of the greatest TV series I’ve ever seen, but this is a show to be seen in it’s entirety. Although a shortened final season after cancellation forced the final episodes to rush to a conclusion, the story arc works fantastically and seemed to be planned in it’s entirety from the show’s inception. Do yourself a favor and watch this show. All of it.

-Anthony

The Album: Tommy by The Who

(I placed the album induction at the bottom this week, because to do it justice, it needed to be a long write up…my induction next week will be shorter, I promise)

For me, the truly memorable albums are the ones that are almost a rite of passage; the ones that take several play-throughs to fully enjoy…the ones that demand you claw through lyrics…the ones that make you question what the band was going through at the time…the ones require your full attention to understand it. I want an album to be more than ambient background noise on long drives, it needs to be something complex that I can dive into; layers upon layers of sound coupled with poignant lyrics. I have a handful of albums that fit these criteria...undoubtedly Tommy is one of them.

Released in 1969, the landmark concept album was the first in existence to be dubbed a rock opera. While concept albums have the difficult task of revolving around a particular theme or sound (Sgt. Pepper or Dark Side of the Moon for example), rock operas are far more complex in that they need to relay a story…easier said than done. Without question the inception of rock operas have led to the most pretentious, overblown albums in history; most aren’t even worth the plastic their packaged in. What all rock operas have in common, even the bad ones, is that they look to Tommy for inspiration, an unattainable meter that has never been matched…and never will.

Gargantuan in scope, the double album Tommy marked a departure from The Who’s early sound; whereas previous albums used distortion and screams to convey their proto-punk angst, Tommy is musically more laid back, allowing the story Tommy Walker to serve as a vehicle for their aggression. If previous albums were an attack on society (My Generation for example) than Tommy was their gentle silence before a nuclear Armageddon, nothing was safe…nothing. Despite sounding fairly upbeat, the album is incredibly dark. Benign compared to today’s music, Tommy was so controversial at the time that it was banned by the several US radio stations as well the BBC.

Tommy revolves around the story of a young boy, who after witnessing a violent feud between his mother's lover and his long lost father, experiences a psychological breakdown stripping him of his ability to speak, hear, and see. Throughout the album, Tommy’s family pursues various attempts to restore his senses, and all the while the boy is subject to various ills of society: radical evangelicalism, drug experimentation, torture, and molestation. In the end, through Pinball, Tommy regains his senses and embarks on a messiah-like journey.

I cannot stress enough how brilliant this album is. Standout tracks have always been Amazing Journey, Pinball Wizard, I’m Free, and We’re Not Gonna Take It, but in all actually, the greatness of these individual songs is lost when listened to out of context. Tommy is in my opinion The Who’s swansong; an album that stands toe to toe with Sgt Pepper and Pet Sounds as one of the most influential in rock music. It needs to be listened to from start to finish…it needs several playthoughs…it needs to be accompanied with a lyric sheet…it needed to be inducted…my work here is done.

-Matt

Review: UP

Pixar has created a reputation for itself of excellence in the animated film business. I don’t think there has been one un-successful or critically scorned production of theirs yet. When I first saw the previews for "UP" I was like, “Great! A new Pixar flick!” but the previews really just made me wonder if it was going to be silent like WALL-E (which is another great Pixar flick) or a little more dialogue. Not that I didn’t love all the humor WALL-E provided but a little convo never hurt. “Up” was above and beyond my expectations. It really was an amazing movie and by far the most emotional and humorous addition to Pixar’s catalog to date.

Pixar has always been able to throw together little pieces that make you want to “Awww” once in a while. Maybe a small jest here or there with a little humor that has the un-canny ability to affect both child and adult audiences alike. This movie took that the studio to a new level and you really will understand that within the first 15 minutes. It really is flawless. The characters, animation, rendering and storytelling really just tugs at your childhood fantasies and your heartstrings at the same time. The story just flows with an art form that it seems to have been lost over the years in film-making industry. It’s a craft that Pixar has really come to represent the apex of; and they once again raised the bar.

The story takes the viewer on a ride of the imagination that appeals to our most basic and often times our most guilty pleasures. It’s a story about childhood dreams and adventures; and promises to always keep adventuring, and while sometimes we might not always end up being on the adventure we thought we were striving for, but realizing that we are on one nonetheless. The film really just grabs you right by your childhood, that deep down you know never really left you and says, “Hey! Ditch the button up shirt we’re headed to the tree house. Oh yea, bring your Super Soaker while you’re at it.”

“UP” is by far the funniest of the Pixar animations to date. Throw in that it has the most heart of most any film you will find, let alone Pixar animations, and you have a movie that is not only ridiculously fun to watch but makes you hope the adventure will never end. I cannot say enough about it, it really is good and will tug at your heartstrings and play you like a fiddle for a time, but show that it’s ok to see the world the as a child would; and really enjoy the adventure that you’re on.

On a small aside the Pixar Short that they do before every new movie is just amazing. Bring something to wipe a tear away for at least one point cause if it’s not in the movie due to all the heartfelt moments and comedy it will be because you won’t be able to stop laughing during this perfectly orchestrated digital short. Enjoy.

-Pat

Stream This: Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling 2009

The new official sport of Pixels to Polys is also the most violent activity possible.  It is unclear whether these poor souls gets to eat the cheese if they catch it, because no one ever actually catches the cheese... few even make it to the bottom without breaking their neck.  And what reward to you get if you actually make it to the bottom on your feet, what magnificent award awaits you?  A form tackle from one of the dick-heads on the bottom waiting to inflict pain on the few survivors of the hill run.  I’ve got to say, I love this sport.

Credit to Barstool Sports where I first saw the clip linked.

Hall of Fame: Week 13

Now we could sit here and point fingers until they go stiff, trying to determine why this Hall of Fame post is (more than) a week late, and whom is to blame (me).  But frankly, playing the blame game won’t put PtP knowledge in your brains a week ago.  So I’m of the firm opinion that it’s important that we look into the future, and forget about the mistakes of the past, as well as who is to blame for them.  This week Pat wow’s the ladies with his extensive knowledge of the Shire, Dabs extols us on the virtues of a worm fighting evil in a super suit, and Matt steals one of my future movie picks out from under my Peter Sellers-esque robotic arms.  Oh ya, and I give you something depressing to listen to you while you worry about another late edition of the HoF next week (won’t happen, I promise).

The Book: The Lord of the Rings (The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, The Return of the King)

While probably a case could be made for each of these books on an individual basis I think that we might as well group the whole set together as they make possibly the best written trilogy of the 20th century. The world created by J.R.R Tolkien is as vast and descriptive as it is probably humanly possible to describe our own. Tolkien literally developed not only species, maps and languages in incredible detail to describe the depth of his world; but he also included history that spanned thousands of years for the reader to really understand the world in which you were about to become immersed in and really experience something that is rarely given in written sagas.

Of course what do you expect from Oxford professor of English Language and Literature? This compilation of books is unlike any that I have ever read and there is still more to dive into the story with the Silmarillion which would allow the most avid fan much more facts and history to gobble up.

The books provide the basic Good versus Evil but gives does such an amazing job showing so many elements of mankind and what is truly made of, not only using the human characters but the elves and numerous other creatures as well. The story shows that we all have paths that ebb and flow and that sometimes connect for a time but also instances where we have to go it alone. It takes relationships in all forms from those that are forbidden with the elves and the mortals to the ones of the truest friendships with Frodo and Sam. Then we have the temptation aspect with the ring that gives unparalleled life and power to the one who possess it and how it can utterly reduce one character to a monster while others who possess it try to stave off evil to the end with what good hearts they possessed.

There is so much in this books that no short summary is ever going to do it justice. They might appear daunting at first but the trilogy is the best you will ever find in modern fiction. It has all the elements of life with murder, betrayal, love, redemption, and strife just to name a few.

By far The Lord of the Rings should be on everyone’s list of fiction to read at some point. And while you might say that the movies will cover you, like any good book they can never get everything in there, even with extended additions, and even if they could there is always something lost in the translation. This is the measuring stick for all other epic sagas.

-Pat

The Game: Earthworm Jim

I'll stand by the statement that the best games were born from the Super Nintendo/Sega Genesis rivalry. RPG's, platformers, sports games - you name it they all were made better by the rivalry. Each system battled back and forth, and eventually the SNES came out on top, but the Genesis still came out with some of the best games of all time and is true and dear to my heart. 

Earthworm Jim came out for both systems, but I got to know it on the delicious Genesis (I still have never owned a SuperNES). The whole idea of a worm walking around in a super suit trying to defeat a maniacal crow and some disgusting larva queen is just fantastic in and of itself, but the mechanics, game play, sound and level design put this game over the top. 

Each level had its own great theme, and got progressively difficult as the game went on. The last few levels are just ridiculous, and definitely require racking up extra lives early on. Which was easy to do if you utilized flinging yourself like a whip and swinging from hooks, or flushing toilets that warp you to secret areas, or launching cows into distant space. 

One level was completely devoted to protecting a puppy, who, if you let him get attacked, would mutate into this gigantic, seething monster, chew you up, and spit you out half way back into the level. 

Others had you riding in a glass submarine with a limited amount of air (time). Each time you hit the rock sides of the level your sub would crack a little, the faster you hit the wall, the bigger the crack. Believe me, I didn't know I could fit in such tight cracks - something I'm sure Anthony is just drooling over right now. 

The graphics were (and still are) fantastic. Pie made little details in every aspect of every character to add depth and a cartoon/comic feel that I think only a few games can replicate (Comix Zone, another future HoF pic, is one of them). 

Overall, Earthworm Jim was a great platformer that required masterful level memorization, quick fingers, and dedication. Play the game and you will be saying "Groovy" just like Earthworm Jim.

-Dabs

The Move: Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb 

Before I get to describe my movie pick for this week, let me first pat myself on the back for being utterly brilliant…yes…brilliant. By inducting this movie, I am achieving several important goals in one fell swoop: 1.) not letting our readers down by inducting a truly amazing movie 2.) adding a bit more diversity to our HoF movie selections by inducting a dark satire 3.) inconveniencing Anthony by preempting any possible Kubrick selections he might be considering in the near future, thus stripping him of a lot of great possible movie picks due to the recency of my choice…good work Matt.

At any rate, for those of you foolish enough to have missed this classic, Dr. Strangelove is a brilliant flick that satirizes the Cold War arms race and the concept of mutually assured destruction. One could call this film a comedy, but in truth, it’s really not. The film overflows with dark humor, but at the same time, is not comical…it’s a brilliant balancing act that takes something as serious as impending nuclear holocaust and produces grins out of it. The film somehow pulls off this impressive feat through near flawless acting; it’s a dialogue heavy movie so a lot of focus is put on the characters. Peter Sellers shows off some of the most versatile acting I have ever seen in a single movie, taking on three different characters that are so diverse that one will struggle to recognize the same person is playing them. Sterling Hayden keeps the awkward grins going steady, portraying a delusional General convinced that the fluoridation of water is a Russian plot to contaminate our bodily fluids…it plays into the story trust me. Lastly, George C. Scott plays possibly my favorite character in the flick, the flamboyant and boisterous General Buck Turgidson (his defense of the “big board” cracks me up every time). I could go on all day picking out truly great scenes from this movie, but you’d be better served checking it out for yourself.

Without question, this film is timeless. Despite being black and white, it will seem fresh and new until we actually do succeed in killing ourselves in a nuclear holocaust. Maybe when that day comes I might not appreciate this film, until then, however, I stand firm in believing that you are less of a person for not seeing this flick…that’s right, I judge you.

-Matt

The Album: Interpol - Turn on the Bright Lights

Interpol’s debut album is full of haunting music with lyrical themes of loss, regret and sex... I say sex because no one would confuse any of these songs for love songs.  Interpol follows in the post-punk footsteps of Joy Division (one of Matt’s Hidden Gem picks).  The foundation of the band is the rhythm section.  Drummer Sam Fogarino seems to define the song hooks with varied beats that never stagnate or bore.  Meanwhile Carlos Dengler’s (porn name anyone?) bass lines carve out a spine for the song.  Over low-range foundation of the rhythm section Daniel Kessler’s jangling guitar is big enough to reach the upper decks of a stadium without ever sounding like he’s trying to be The Edge.  Turn on the Bright Lights is the band peaking early, both thematically and musically.  Here their lyrics are vague, but effective and evocative--where in later albums they fail by being more overt and descriptive.    The album opener starts with a ringing guitar riff before the drums come in with a driving beat.  Untitled sort of informs the rest of the album, thematically with its obtuse, almost singular lyric line repeated.  The perspective of the song is unclear, so it’s meaning is up for argument.  “I will surprise you sometime, I’ll come around, when you’re down.”  The song NYC gives the album it’s title, though it is unclear whether it is another love song to New York or a critical look on the city with lyrics like “I had seven faces, thought I knew which one to wear” and “the subway is a porno.”  It is probably both.  TotBL is a rainy day CD.  A drive at night CD.  It’s a city walk CD.  It’s a pretty legit CD.

-Anthony

Review: Terminator Salvation

This summer started out bad for me and hyped movies. Wolverine was shitty. Very shitty. Disappointingly shitty. It actually ruined my expectation of all summer films. It was like opening that gift on Christmas you thought was a Nintendo and found out was a grow your own rock kit. Star Trek was released and I couldn't even bring myself to go see it in fear of getting let down again.

I have yet to see the new 'Trek, though I have heard good things. But I was able to recover my post-Wolverine depression and get out of the house to see Terminator: Salvation.

In stride with the other Terminator movies, TS brings us to the future where John Connor is fighting for the survival of the human race. Christian Bale plays the Christ-like Connor and Sam Worthington plays a dude.

Now, the Terminator story isn't all that complex (how they fill a whole show about it baffles me), and in TS it is bare bones. If you don't remember who John Connor or his father, Kyle Reese are, don't worry. Their names are said over and over again, and there is so little dialogue in the movie that the character's names probably take up half the script.The little dialogue is due to the minimal story line, and the minimal story line is due to the intense, non-stop action.

Seriously, any movie that has two separate atomic explosions that don't involve Hiroshima or Nagasaki is okay in my book. The Terminators look damn cool and the opening scene is gritty and reminded me of a futuristic Black Hawk Down. The Resistance unloads an amazing amount of ammo into the unstoppable Terminators and the Terminators respond with their own arsenals. It is cool seeing different T-X00's and all the kick ass ships they have. The scenes are just insane at times, and the sound is terrific.

What I never got was how these unstoppable terminators fall victim to .50 cal shells. If I remember correctly the Arnold Terminator of past could take slugs to the face and just keep on walking. Where are the lasers? Or at least photon canons? Anything we could have developed besides an M-16? Seems to me like we would already be dead if all we had were just bullets to fight these things. The Terminators also seem so well organized and well equipped that it is almost foolish that there is a "war". It seems impossible for any human to survive anywhere, and it is almost as if the terminators allow the human race to exist. I mean, they have heat signature targeting and all that jazz, how can you hide from that?

But anyway, the movie was entertaining. The booms and bangs kept my eyes busy and my ears dancing, but that was all. The complete lack of story line was frustrating,and it surprised me that Christian Bale's character was as small as it was. Sam Worthington really drives the ship. The Dark Knight spends most of the time speaking in that Batman voice in very low, whispering tones saying nothing but scripted prophetical statements. There is nothing real about this John Connor prophet. He survives everything and knows even more. What made T2 so great was how they took time to build on Arnie's Terminator, making him a father figure to a young JC. When he destroys himself and gives that thumbs up, it means something, the audience and the characters had some sort of emotional reaction, or at least reference. I could really care less about any of the characters in this movie, I just wanted more explosions.

So Terminator was better than Wolverine, but not as good as I needed my salvation to be. Only Revenge of the Fallen can save me now.


- Dabs

Obscure Gems: Killer 7

Killer 7 was released in 2005 for the Gamecube and the PS2 (oddly enough most reviews claim the GCN version to be superior both graphically and control wise) by Capcom, and no one played it. Not a soul. I think the game sold 7 copies.
And it is a shame.
Killer 7 is a rail first person shooter that has you controlling 7 assassins each with their own unique ability, from invisibility to jumping very high to slitting your wrists and spraying blood everywhere (not joking). You move your character forward and backward with the A and B buttons (I played the GCN version, so this whole review is based off of that) while in a third person perspective and then must press R to go into first person mode in order to shoot. The camera angles change as you walk through levels and you can really see Capcom's Resident Evil influence. You can switch between characters on the fly (all except Garcian) and you have to use their abilities to solve different puzzles. Your enemies can only be killed by shooting them in certain weak points, and the more accurate you are the more blood you collect. This blood can be cashed in at the blood bank to upgrade your abilities to make them more powerful or last longer. This is important because it increases the importance of accuracy in the game. There is infinite ammo, so you can just run and gun, but there isn't much reward in it.
The graphics are all cel-shaded and super stylish. They fit the gameplay and story perfectly.
Speaking of the story, this is where the game truly shines. For the first half of the game you really don't know what is going on. The story is all over the place. You catch snippets of Garcian talking with a secret agent but you don't know if the conversations are taking place during the game, before or even after. You start off in levels with no idea why you are there. Whiny bitches like Anthony might be thinking "Well, that sucks. I want to know what's going on"...but trust, the mystery is well worth it and the story well paced enough to keep you interested. The final moments bring the story together so well I think it would make Tarantino shed a tear.
The game has received many awards ranging from Most Outrageous and Most Innovative game by Gamespot, to Best Game No One Played and Best Adventure Game from IGN.
I know none of you have played this game, so put in the ten or so hours it takes to beat it (maybe even less). You'll be surprised and entertained by this great gem.

-Dabs

Babymaking Nation Vol. 5

In the time since our last baby making post Anthony's alimony payments have quadrupled, if you do the math that means that we have to increase our readership sixteen fold to date just to keep his head above water, that is if he ever did really make those alimony payments. Scumbags. How dare those harpies ask for support, you gave em' your seed what else are they gonna take from ya?

In

Chick Flicks – Its unfortunate reality that we live in gentlemen that some sacrifices must be made to start the baby makin’ train. While some dude might question your masculinity while you nap through 2 hours of The Notebook; no man will question you once she decides jump you like Rachel McAdams halfway through the flick. It’s a fatal flaw that most women like to think they can pretend they are in storybook love story. Mixed with the appropriate amount of cheesy lines, romantic bedding music, and sometimes alcohol you’ll be pinned on the couch in no time and can avoid the rest of the tear jerker and get down to business.

Note this doesn’t work for every flick and you can’t let it linger or end on any sad note. So stick to proven flicks and avoid like the plague chick flicks that promote empowering women or Gone Like the Wind. Depression or empowerment will only make them want to have you fix their car or care for their feelings; and quite frankly my dear, we don’t give a damn.

Boats – Guys this is one that you really win no matter what, but remember to keep your head in the game. If there is one thing that women love more than fast hot cars it might be fast hot boats, or yachts if that’s in your price range. The combination of water, waves, sun rays, and just overall ecstasy being on a boat drive women wild; plus the fact that every woman wants to say they’ve been done on a boat, it’s a proven fact. It’s a double wammy of money and raw baby making nature on the open sea. Don’t believe me? Just watch T-Pain doin’ a mermaid on that SNL skit, and though some might deny it every guy knows he would bang the shit out of Aerial if they had the chance. Throw in the fact that half of the clothing is already off and if you can’t seal the deal here, god himself is gonna shake his head in pity.

Out

Romantic Dinners Out- Lets be honest, do you really wanna spend that much or literally anything toward your baby making endeavors than maybe a bus ticket for the girl home? And that’s if you’re feeling generous. These overpriced and often over-hyped necessities of courtship are right out if you’re into serious baby making. For one it ain’t gonna happen out to dinner, sorry fellas the odds are against you. Add in the fact that your wallet is not only gonna be a hell of a lot lighter but that your date isn’t gonna be feeling the baby makin’ mood for at least an hour or two. Do yourself a favor and cook something at home, better yet have her cook it while you grab drinks and then make the move. Women cooking are surprising easy to seduce and the baby making will be second to none. Afterward you can let her finish cooking since you definitely will have worked up an appetite turning out one more baby mama.

Sweat/Natural Body Odor – Seriously take a friggin shower. It doesn’t matter that you just ran a marathon or were in the gym all morning and think that turns girls on. Sure maybe from a distance your sweaty lochs look appealing but within 10 feet the truth is revealed and your not going to get any baby makin’ done like that son. The only time you should be in that condition is after you finish dropping your seed in the gene pool. Clean that shit up and you’ll be bedding them like Wilt Chamberlain, a man with untold illegitimate children we can all look up to.

-Pat

Closed Captioned?

#1 (Live on "Late Night WIth Conan OBrien") - Animal Collective

So Animal Collective is awesome, Pat probably won't like them because they aren't Linkin Park, but that is okay. I can understand how some people would be turned off. It's weird stuff. This video was taken on Conan O' Brien..as you can see if you watch the damn video. What was great was the closed caption translation of the sounds:



Props to J Money for this greatness.

-Dabs

Hall of Fame Week 12/100th Post

HAPPY ONE HUNDRED POSTS EVERYBODY!!!!!

So if there were a documentary about the blog, Anthony and I would have a bigger rivalry than Lennon and McCartney. Some will say I am weak for giving in and releasing this Hall of Fame that has been collecting digital dust for nearly a week, but I say I am a champion of you, the reader. I came to this blog late in the game, but I knew I was joining a site that was dedicated to providing useless, demeaning and somewhat trivial information on various forms of media for your internet browsing pleasure. Some of us, *ahem* Anthony *ahem*, don't realize that you, the reader, are our bread and butter. Without you we wouldn't be able to afford anything. We wouldn't make money from all the advertisements and we...wait a minute. We don't make shit. Most of you read our blog out of pity. Fuck.

Well, better late than never. Hall of Fame week 12. Anthony explores perhaps the best text on post-apocalyptic Earth since the term post-apocalyptic was coined; Matt reveals his secret training regimen for the zombie apocalypse; Pat beams himself up to the final frontier; and I let you all know that you are stupid if you haven't heard one of the best albums of all time. Enjoy, bitches.

The Book: The Road by Cormac McCarthy

The greatest stories, the kind with lasting appeal and a driving message are typically simple in theme. The writing in The Road is simple and beautiful, a stark contrast to the content, which is the bleak grays of humankind on the brink of extinction. It is powerful, and managed to effect my mood for the few days that I read it. To say that the novel is post-apocalyptic conjures up the idea of a overexposed genre typically far from high art. McCarthy uses the setting to bring out the father-son relationship that is truly the heart of the story. The road is about the father and son searching for food and shelter along the road. We see the worst in humanity, brought on by the end of the world, cannibalism, cultism and greed as people fight for the scraps left to sustain the dregs of humankind: no humanity remains, spare that of the little boy. Messianic overtones aside, the young boy represents what is good in us, with his youthful optimism in the worst of circumstances. The book is about growing old, and making that journey with your father, and all that encompasses. I’m not even ashamed to say it got a little dusty in the final pages. This is one of the greatest books I have ever read.

-Anthony

The Game: DOOM

I spent a few days thinking…contemplating…pondering…and the end result of my three day thought experiment was a conclusion that is both profound and controversial: the conclusion that I reached was that the PC game DOOM was one of the greatest creations in the history of mankind, right next to the wheel and cheese-in-can. Let’s review: DOOM was a game about a space marine sent to explore mars after a portal was opened up to hell. To reach the end, the player would blaze through an arsenal of weapons while spewing demon guts all over the Martian moon bases.
Marines…demons…mars…hell…guns…gore, for an eight year old this was the shit wet dreams were made of (before they had any idea what a what dream was). Without question, DOOM had more in common with alcoholism that an actual video game. You could very easily spot the tell tale signs of DOOM player at school…the pale skin suggested that they spent very little time outside…the bags under the eyes suggested days of continuous eye strain…the odd odor coming from their body suggested they sacrificed a shower for twenty minutes of demon slaying before school. Medically speaking, Doom was disease, and damn did it feel good to ride the downward spiral of illness.
At the time of its release in 1993, Doom was cutting edge, a first person shooter that went well beyond anything before it in the graphics department (Wolfenstein 3D, I still love you babe). The levels were well designed, crisp and fluid; running through the Martian moon bases never felt so real…or looked so good. DOOM’s soundtrack is also quite possibly one of the most recognizable in the history of videogames, standing one the same pedestal as the theme from Super Mario Bros. The second the first level opens up, you know two things: 1. shits going down, 2. it’s your job to kill everything. Even the sound effects were nothing short of incredible: the ambient chatter of Imps, the hissing sounds of Cacodemons, that oddly porn sounding grunt you make when you can’t open a door. Aesthetics aside, where DOOM truly shines is in the gameplay. Sure the game shows signs of aging compared to today’s FPS’s, but what DOOM lacks in flash today it makes up in character. This may be grumpy old man Matt sitting on the porch throwing empty beer bottles at kids again, but I would much rather play DOOM than any FPS released in the past fifteen years. Whereas modern FPS’s concentrate on strategy and resource management, DOOM boldly pushes run-and-gun in a manner that has often been imitated but never duplicated. Run, shoot, and don’t die…simple as that. In the end, DOOM is one of the crowing achievements of man. Sure fire was cool and all, but c’mon, this is fucking DOOM we’re talking about…
On a final note, what game today boasts having a “Big Fucking Gun”…that’s right, just DOOM.

- Matt

The Movie: Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country

Since this being the weekend that the Star Trek series gets a much needed reboot and since it harkens back the good ole’ days with Bones, Kirk, Spock and the rest of the legendary crew; I thought it would be appropriate to post one of my favorite old crew flicks.
Let’s be honest, with most of the Star Trek films, unless you’re a real Treky or at least trying to be, you’re not going to get much out of the movie or care too much about it. This last installment of the original Star Trek crew is the way a franchise of this caliber should end; on a high note. The film might not be much for deep interpretation or huge dramatic scenes but what the film does do is bring out the best of what the series has to offer.
Scenes such as where the Klingons are dinning with the Star Trek crew while Kirk and the One-eyed Klingon general Chang, played by Christopher Plummer which is amazing by the way, trade quick insults at each other’s cultures; some go as so far as to reference Hitler. Which if that doesn’t get you to chuckle I don’t know what will. Even Spock had to smirk at that one.
The story presents the case that the ultimate enemy of the Federation, The Klingon Empire, needs help. Their planet and their species are dying. And the man chosen to begin talks on how to save not only the peace between the two races but one’s very existence is Captain Kirk. The man, whose only son was killed by Klingons is a tragedy which he has never forgotten nor forgiven. This underlying sense of mistrust from the start leads to sharp talk and eventually assassination of the Klingon High Chancellor; who strange enough for a Klingon was actually promoting peace. For this crime Kirk is accused of if not being involved but at least complicate in the outcome. Both Kirk and Bones are arrested and brought back by the Klingons where they are convicted of their charges and given essentially a death sentence within a labor camp.
All the while crafty Spock knows that there has to be another explanation… which leads to the discovery of a massive conspiracy to assassinate the Federation president and keep the Klingon and Federation at war indefinitely. The crew races to save their beloved captain and doctor and also discover the truth to who is really behind the chaos.
The flick is definitely well done and while it may have one slow point, the majority of the film is either in high suspense or action mode. Not a bad way for the old cast and crew to go out. Definitely something to see before or after you check out this latest installment of the Star Trek dynasty.

-Pat

The Album: Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

Deciding which album to add to the Hall of Fame for my first selection was almost painful. I knew my first choice would give everyone a full flavor of my musical taste, and I didn't know if I wanted to go with a classic or with something really new and undiscovered. In the end, I chose an album that has a little of both qualities: Wilco's Yankee Hotel Foxtrot.

When I first spun this disc so many years ago I dug it, but not nearly as much as I thought I would. It grew on me like warts on Anthony's you-know-what. Even now I listen to the album and am amazed at the layers in each song, which sometimes can only be described as structured ambience - if such a thing exists.

Singer Jeff Tweedy does everything right in this album. Ranging from the solemn Radio Cure to the poppy Heavy Metal Drummer he hits all his notes perfectly. I say perfectly because no other word aptly describes his vocals excepts for "perfect" on this album.

A song that has always stood out for me on the album is "Jesus etc." The violins, bass line and lyrics are soft and smooth and just feel good going down:

" Jesus, don't cry
you can rely on me honey
you can combine anything you want
I'll be around
you were right about the stars
each one is a setting sun

tall buildings shake
voices escape singing sad sad songs
tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
bitter melodies turning your orbit around "

I am a big fan of albums - that is when artists that do more than just put a bunch of singles on a disc and call it good - and this is one of the best. YHF has a great pace to it, starting out strong with the anti-love song I Am Trying to Break Your Heart, slowing down with The Ashes of American Flags, getting right back into it with Heavy Metal Drummer and finishing out with Reservations, one of the best final songs to an album ever:

"Oh I've got reservations/about so many things/but not about you"

Oh Jeff Tweedy, if only you were talking about me.

The album almost never happened, which would have been a travesty. The band nearly broke up during its recording and their record label dropped them after hearing it (I guarantee all of them have the worst music taste ever, and, without having met any of them, I can declare that I hate them). If you like the album check out the companion DVD that chronicles the album's making, I Am Trying To Break Your Heart: A Film About Wilco. If you haven't heard the album, stop being an idiot and go buy it.

-Dabs