Review: Transformers – Revenge of the Fallen

“Autobots! Self-destruct!” Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is an incredibly painful experience that mindlessly sacrifices plot and character development for crude humor and stupid campy dialog. While the first film wasn’t exactly Oscar worthy, it was above all other things, enjoyable. RotF overstays its welcome, and by the end of it you’re willing to claw your way to the nearest bar just to drink away how bad this movie really is…where to begin?

Revenge of the Fallen is a frustrating example of a good franchise being spoiled by absolutely atrocious writing. Within the first thirty minutes of the film, it becomes blatantly apparent that the writers cared little for plot…and by writers I mean prepubescent schizophrenic monkeys at the apex of a sugar high. Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is off to college leaving behind his brand new robot-transforming-Camero and his centerfold quality girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox) for the thrills higher education…because after robotic aliens attack and I get the girl of my dreams the first thing I’m concerned about is college…whatever…While moving out Sam conveniently finds a shard of the Allspark in his sweatshirt pocket from the first film, and after examining it, goes into epileptic episodes complete with visions of arcane symbols. These symbols were from an ancient language used by the Transformers when they came to Earth in 17,000 BC. From this flashback we are introduced to a new villain, The Fallen, who commands Megatron in manner plagiarized from Star Wars. As the film progresses, we learn that the Decepticons need these symbols to locate an ancient energy source capable of destroying our sun but essential in sustaining their race, so they set out to coerce the symbols from Sam. At this point the plot is so unrecognizable that I can really only summarize it as follows: stupid riddles, tied to an idiotic artifact search, drowned in dialogue from two Jar Jar Binks-esqe robots, topped off with the corniest out of body experience in movie history…that about does it.


So where did the plot go? Down the toilet is the best answer I can give, because the film is filled with enough “potty humor” to keep six year olds entertained for weeks…because somehow the writers thought the six year old demographic would lose interest in fighting robots that transform in everyday machines…yeah. In this movie we see: Sam’s mom high on pot brownies, we see a Decpticon's testicles, we John Turturro in a jock strap, Sam’s roommate taze himself in the nuts, two dogs feverishly humping, and a Decpticon feverishly humping Megan Fox. On top of all this, swears are artificially injected into the dialogue to give it more of an edge. While not offensively vulgar, these comedic failures really detract from the film and come across as tacky.

Speaking of dialogue, there really is no dialogue in this whole film worth remembering. Somewhere along the line the filmmakers thought it was a good decision to throw out the comedic banter between the humans and the Autobots from the first film, and just replace it with mindless chatter with no redeeming quality. Twin Autobots Skidz and Mudflap dominate this film with borderline-racist-quality Ebonics that will make any viewer question what their seven dollar ticket went to. And the Autobots from the first film? With the exception of Optimus Prime’s iconic growl and Bumblebee's signature radio-speak, they are completely silent throughout the movie…bummer.

Like The Matrix: Reloaded and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest before it, Revenge of the Fallen takes what was present in the first film and amps it up to the point of suffering. Yeah, we get enough explosions and robot fights to make eyes sore and our ears stop functioning, but there’s so much of it that it’s unsatisfying. An apple a day keeps the doctor away…500 apples a day will make your stomach explode. RotF suffers from trying to do too much with too little back it up, and it stretches itself thin. Unlike the first film, the audience is disconnected from the characters and therefore has no stake in who wins or loses. Revenge of the Fallen can be described as a dazzling achievement for CGI and an utter failure for all other things movie related. Avoid this hunk of scrap at all costs.