High Definition Media: Where are we headed and what will it cost?

If you’ve watched cable, satellite or bought a high end gaming system (or TV for that matter) then no doubt you have been exposed to the amazing wonder that is High Definition. This evolution of the distribution of media has taken the way we see and hear to near entertainment to a level that is close to being in the live experience.

When it was first announced that there was to be this new amazing technology there were few outlets to enjoy the beauty that high definition had to offer. And even if there was something that you could view it was anyone’s guess as to whether you the experience itself would be enough for you to sit through a program about morbidly obese men. I think the first godsend given to show the true ability of high definition was the Discovery Channel production “Planet Earth”. This really is an amazing series that took years to film and was well worth the wait. Just spectacular views and amazing surround sounds that gives a presentation like nothing I have ever seen. Of course this would have been nothing incredibly special had it not been for the HD quality that gives that ultra fine definition to every drop of water or blade of grass making the most basic aspects of nature breathtaking. If you haven’t seen this series yet I highly suggest you do, and in full HD, it’s only right…

High definition has given us a completely new way to view not only entertainment but our world and the spectacular events that happen within it. However with this new technology what is the price that has to be paid to enjoy this “leisure”? There is no doubt that this is not a necessity to viewing a movie or watching an regular program, except in the case of sports where I demand that it is in HD, but you can’t watch high definition without paying a premium. While it might not be overly substantial it is just one more thing to add on to your bill and don’t even get me started on DVR charges I think that’s criminal.

Whether you’re on cable, satellite or just rent movies through Netflix you have to pay that little extra to enjoy what one would expect in the near future to become standard, so will those fees also become the standard? I can’t really complain with the Netflix service however as it was originally no extra cost for HD flicks and then eventually implemented the charge, but their service has really been flawless. Still that tangent doesn’t answer the question as to what will happen once this medium of media becomes the standard and with this year’s transition to digital terrestrial broadcasts one can only assume that day is approaching.

I understand that it’s one thing to pay for something special but when it all comes down to what is standard are these fees just going to become part of the price or are you going to see a withdrawal of these costs as the technology progresses and becomes less expensive to produce. I personally think that once they got their hand in your pocket, it’s not leaving, not willingly anyway. Still while we may have to pay a little extra to see these programs in HD I believe it is for now worth the cost, if only there were more channels that offered true HD programming . One day… until then I will be watching Modern Marvels, Planet Earth, and morbidly obese men in high def. Cheers.

-Pat

Babymaking Nation Vol. 2

I don’t need to explain this much further than:

“In” = helps making babies

“Out” = hinders making babies

“In” is good by the way... we’re men, we’re here to make babies.

In

Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” - Matt mentioned this song on a previous Stream This.  Ignore the man’s last name, Gaye new how to write babymaking music, and this song is his moneyshot, so to speak.  I’ve heard legends that this song has actually impregnated women with no man present.  

Saying “I love you” - Fella’s, you don’t have to mean it.  You just have to say it.  It is a natural aphrodisiac for the ladies, and can really get the wheels turning.  And by wheels turning, I mean sexing started.

The Wire - This really has nothing to do with babymaking, but it’s a great TV show, and you should watch it.

Out

Condoms - This one is obvious guys, but I still feel the need to emphasize this.  There are no benefits to using one of these disgusting rubbery things.  You can’t feel anything, and it doesn’t put babies in your ladies tummy.

Mutton chops - This off-putting brand of facial hair growth will send women running in the opposite direction.  Ideally facial hair should indicate to a possible suitor that you are a man, but not necessarily a part-wolf-man.  Mustaches, five-o-clock shadows, and beards are preferred; anything that may tickle a women when you kiss them.  Mutton chops are unsightly and unbecoming.

-Anthony

Hall of Fame

What we (did I say ‘we’... I meant me) lack in punctuality, we make up for in quality of picks in this weeks Hall of Fame inductees.  Better late than never, right.  This week three sexy men bring you three sexy picks.  Matt gets bitter over gritty Bond, Pat sings in his car, and I mope about a childhood that has passed me by.

The Movie: Goldfinger

I’m going to throw out a controversial statement here: Bond is dead. Sure, some idiots without taste will run around praising the Daniel Craig movies for reinventing the series, but you know what, they’re wrong and the new movies are Borne rip-offs. I say this without hesitation, if you liked Quantum of Solace, you have about as much taste for Bond flicks as vegetarians do for veal. Bond is about fulfilling everyman’s dream in one film: whether it be saving the world from a near unstoppable villain, landing three hotties in a day, driving the best car, having the best gadgets, being witty, being tough…the old flicks had a perfect mixture of these qualities. In the new ones, Daniel Craig just beats shit up. It is with this in mind that Goldfinger should be the ONLY Bond flick ever inducted into a hall of fame. Period. There is no Bond without Goldfinger. Whereas the first two flicks brought Bond to the big screen, Goldfinger made him the staple that he is today, introducing the world to vodka martinis, gadgets, and Q. As film, Goldfinger is brilliant, giving us iconic characters like Auric Goldfinger (one of the greatest villains of all time) and Pussy Galore (the dame who pushed the limits of 60’s censorship). Goldfinger is THE Bond flick because it somehow gives us everything we want while remaining incredibly balanced and well paced; all other Bond films struggle with maintaining this equilibrium, oftentimes leaning too heavily on gadgets, one-liners, or brutality. I say to the world that Sean Connery is the best Bond, and Goldfinger is the best of his flicks. To think otherwise is absurd and frankly laughable.

-Matt

The Album: Coldplay - Parachutes

I might have said this earlier, but I love an album that you can just put on, listen to the whole thing and really enjoy it. Coldplay has done it for me with this album. I’m a big fan of these guys and they have some amazing songs all around and all their albums I think are very good, but Parachutes just has so many songs and a flow that just makes me crave for more.  Like I said albums like “Rush of Blood to the Head” make it really hard to nit pick these guys, they just have a sound that the more you listen to it the more you fall in love with the lyrics and Chris Martin’s particular voice that just makes the songs feel like they have so much emotion. If you don’t believe me listen to “Sparks” or their big hit “Yellow”.

Parachutes has many great songs throughout the album, but in the end is really the sum of all its parts which makes for an album the flows consistently and with a sound the listener won’t tire of. Its really just one of those albums that if you need to you can pop it in the car and drive until the disc runs out. I think its time for a drive…

-Pat

The Game: Final Fantasy VI

Originally released in the US as Final Fantasy III on the SNES, this game marked the first role playing game (RPG) that I ever played.  I remember playing through the 60-plus hour game over the course of countless Thursday to Saturday rentals at the local video store, AMB Video.  FFVI stands as the pinnacle of gaming.  For my money, it is the best game on the best gaming system.  Going back to it now, after 6 or 8 or 11 playthroughs, the game is pure nostalgia.  The music reminds me of a more whimsical age where I could spend three times a games actual value re-renting it from the video store while pumping countless hours.  What I’m saying is; either this is the best game ever, or I really just wish that I never had to grow up.  Could it be both?

-Anthony

Reviews in a Few Sentences

Burn After Reading

Pitt is funny, as is a bizarre Clooney invention, but this weird Coen Brothers follow up to No Country stalls until the final act.  In the end you’ll wonder if there are enough laughs to justify the time you spend on it.

The Wrestler

The handheld camera follows Rourke’s wrestler for the majority of the film; a perspective that takes a while to get used to.  Watch the scene on the beach between the man and his daughter and tell me Rourke wasn’t the best actor this year.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Clerks is no longer Kevin Smith’s best film.  Smith, directing his funniest and most complete film, reminds us that he, not Judd Apatow, is the father of the vulgar-but-kind-hearted-comedy schtick.  I would saw my right arm off at the elbow to get with Elizabeth Banks.

Look Back in Anger

This 50’s British drama, no relation to the classic Oasis track, features one of the angriest men this side of Travis Bickle.  He yells at his wife in the most eloquent manners...

“Nigel and Alison, they're what they sound like, sycophantic, phlegmatic and pusillanimous.  Shall I tell you what I mean?  Soapy, stodgy, and dim.”  Who knew domestic disputes could be so fun?

Role Models

The most you will laugh at a movie this side of Zack and Miri, and perhaps this is even funnier.  Paul Rudd is all of a sudden making a push to be the next comedy king... go back and watch Anchorman and this will not seem that surprising.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I know I wrote about this movie last time, but it still hasn’t finished... get it?  It’s long.

Actor Profile: George Clooney

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but when he is on screen the woman swoon. I mean seriously guys, if your in a room with Clooney better slap some cuffs on your wife cause otherwise she’s gonna be heading home with him instead; most likely along with a few other happy ladies.
Maybe it’s his salt & pepper hair, or his deep baritone voice that sometimes makes my knees weak. But what I can tell it is not; is his acting…
George Clooney’s acting while it is not bad; I really enjoy seeing the guy on the big screen. However, this is one of those few people in Hollywood I think that has risen to the top all the while player the same friggin character his whole career. I wasn’t too into ER back in the day as hospital drama were still a little too much for me, but look at any one of his movies and the character of “George Clooney” is unchanged, unmoving, simply just George.
You would think that he might try to see how he could take a character and develop it into something deep or interesting like when you see the legendary acts of Tom Hanks, Forest Whitaker (Last King of Scotland), or even Johnny Depp. While maybe these aren’t your top picks for actors they each can take one role and nail it and do the same thing the next time playing a deaf, dumb and blind quadriplegic.
Clooney is one character… “Clooney”. Why should he be anything other than that, I mean is there really anyone or anything more real the George Clooney? The guy just looks at a script and is like, “Oh man this character sounds like such a figgin puss puss. How am I gonna fix this? Got it!” *Tosses script back in Steven Spielberg’s face and goes and does a hot assistant in his trailer to get his Clooney back on*
The guy has about as much versatility as an actor as his Batman co-star Chris O’Donnell. However this is enigma about Clooney that keeps us coming back for more. Maybe it’s because we hold out hope that one day we will see something break through, maybe it’s because we just feel that he can pretend to be someone other than himself, or maybe its just because like our respective female counterparts we are in-explicably attracted to him for reasons unknown. I for one am ashamed.

-Pat

Stream This: When you really need a drink...

We've all seen ridiculous videos of people doing really dumb acts of larceny. But i think this is one that will really give you a chuckle.

Enjoy.

-Pat

2 Month Anniversary

Here it is, the 2 month anniversary of Pixels to Polys.  If we were a relationship, you’d have already started sneaking around our back with that chick you met at the gym... you slut.

I typically like to make each of my posts stand alone.  It’s just my way.  This does leave me without an outlet for self-congratulation on the greatness of our blog.  I’d just like to take a moment to tell you how well we are doing... me especially, but the other fellows as well.  But really, give it up for me.  We can all agree I knocked that Gary Allan post out the park suckas.

Where else can you come for Call of Duty diatribes, Jay-Z track lists, board game run downs, seriously offensive takes on the zombie apocalypse, and an embedded video of a turtle fornicating with a shoe?

I’ve had concerns that we spread ourselves a little too thin, content-wise, but hopefully it just means that we’ve got a little bit for everybody.

Matt talked about this already, but our take on our roles thus far...

Pat - Tackles posts on a macro level.  In his best post he discussed the death of solid media.  Dude is like Steve Jobs without all of the cult stuff.

Matt - He looks at things on a micro level, zooms in real tight so he can really dig into the issue (and then complain about it).  Seriously, he attacks an issue with the sort of “get off my lawn!” fervor that makes me and Pat envious.

Me (Anthony) - I write in a totally self-absorbed, how-does-this-issue-affect-me manner.  So posts aren’t about issues so much as they are about me.

So what do you guys think moving forward?  Would we benefit if we were to increase our staff by a writer or two, in order to produce more content (perhaps 2-3 posts a day)... or would we loose too much in the personality of the site by allowing anyone besides us three swinging dicks to write on this thing?

Love,

Anthony

Stream This: Willy Wonka 2.0

Had to laugh at this...and I had nothing to post for today.

From Pixels to Polys Hall of Fame - Week 5

Just when you thought the weekend was never going to get here. Pixels to Polys is here to kick start your weekend off right. As always offering you our top three picks for the week to be added to the halls of glory and possibly your Netflix/Gamefly queue. This week Matt explores the joys of chuckin' bombs and controllers, Anthony listens to a depressing album of electric jazz, and I decide its time to take a day off. Enjoy the weekend kids.

The Game: Mega Man II

Mega Man II is one of those games that miraculously seems to climb Top 100 game lists as the years go on…kind of like the Blade Runner climbing movie lists. Unlike Blade Runner, however, I won’t be satisfied until it ends up in the Top 5. Hope I’m not sounding like a grizzled old man, but most games these days are planned out for years with full support from huge gaming corporations; they offer a relatively easy challenge, convoluted play control, and enough cut scenes to induce suicide. Not worth remembering. Back in the day, however, II was different. Mega Man II was a labor of love, made afterhours without pay due to the poor sales of the first title. It’s extra attention shows. I actually don’t know where to begin praising this game; the list could go on for days. Without question there hasn’t been a game made in the past 10 years that could stand toe to toe with II. It’s damn near flawless. Impeccable play control, decent NES graphics, and the best soundtrack of that generation, Mega Man II had it all. But of all the things to praise Mega Man II for, I find its unrepentant love of difficulty the most worthy. I dare you to play this game without throwing a controller, it's just not possible. In the end, the blue bomber has earned its place in the pantheon of great games: Mega Man II is God.

-Matt

The Album: Radiohead - Kid A

The constant need to change and grow throughout a career is typically a contentious issue among fans of that band. Like Metallica’s move from thrash and speed metal to hook-laden-hard rock, as a band changes they will inevitably face backlash from fans screaming sellout. Try and imagine Radiohead, returning in 2000 after a 3 year hiatus after the release of art-rock classic OK Computer, arguably the greatest album of the 90’s. A sequel to the guitar rock of OK Computer must have seemed assured, but the opening track “Everything In It’s Right Place” plays up the strange electronic and jazz stylings that comprise the bulk of Kid A. From the beautiful and haunting “How to Disappear Completely” to the driving electronic beats of “Idiotique,” Kid A is less about the individual tracks than the album in it’s entirety. Radiohead released no singles from the album, but it still was their first to debut at the top of US sales charts. The fact that lead-singer Thom Yorke said that the album is partly about “the generation that will inherit the earth after we’ve wiped it out” is indicative of how cheery the music is. Like all great albums it is depressing. Like all great albums it gets better with each listen. It is challenging, rewarding, fascinating music.

-Anthony

The Movie: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

This is the quintessential movie to cutting away from the day. While it's an old flick starring Matthew Broderick when he is seemingly not old enough to grow a stache, and I think he still struggles with that, it is one of those oldies that has to be seen and appreciated.
What better way to spend a day than to skip school and involve your obsessively pessimistic best friend as well as your girlfriend. Throw in some very devious methods for getting around the administration and not only hoodwinking them about your own absence but getting them to release your compatriots to take off in a “borrowed” 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California.
The flick is filled with everything the ultimate hooky day would be. Messing with the system, driving around in an amazing car, going to a ball game, and add in the fact that your dodging an over zealous principle who knows that something is going on, but is never quite there enough to prove it. With the added fact the Ferris turns out to be a jokester genius; turning what seems to be every failed attempt to enjoy the day to the fullest into something even more grand than he originally planned. Of course there are some hiccups that come up along the way, but it wouldn’t be exciting if everything went according to plan…

-Pat

The Rant: 80's Rock Music

So I have to leave for a few days and I see Matt has left a few gifts for me. I’m not one to usually just turn the guns and return fire, but what else are you going to do in a Green Bay, WI airport?

Being away from all the technology and gadgets I can enjoy from the comfort of my own car or audio equipment I’ve had to deal with joys of being limited to terrestrial radio. Normally able to find at least a decent station or a few I can switch between makes it somewhat bearable. However when you’re stuck on a location for 14 hours listening to the same crappy oldies rock station it can feel as though you really can start to imagine what hell must be like. There are a few golden gems in there that everyone likes to hear, like when Stevie Wonder, “Superstitious” comes over I have no problem jamming out, and I can even do “The Wall” once or twice… but then we get into all the other crap that came out with all these bands and their one time one hit wonders, and just rock ballads that really need to be put out of their misery. Add in the fact that the “The Wall” played an additional two times and AC/DC is just starting to sound like some kid throwing a temper tantrum and I realized that classic rock is not something that can be enjoyed for like marathon listening secessions. At least not on traditional radio anyway.

You start thinking about the hair, the tight pants, the dress and everything that is associated with those metal hair bands and seriously I wanted to just throw up. I never experience an epiphany like that about music, but in St. Paul, MN I found clarity when it comes to 80’s rock; it’s like the drugs that all those bands were addicted to at the time. Sure it sounds fun and really exciting when you first start, but then the high wears off and you are desperately trying to get that next fix… but it ain’t coming, it only gets worse from here.

So thank Matt for the trying to perpetuate the cycle of hair bands and mullets the next time you see him, and send him a swift kick to the cojones for me while you’re at it.

Stream This: Turtle Rapes Shoe

Turtle 1, Shoe 0

Seriously, that shoe belongs to the turtle now... retire it from the wardrobe immediately.

-Anthony

Top 5: Worst Song Remakes

Oh God I hate it when bands cover other bands, the majority of the time they suck at it. Unless you’re Johnny Cash don’t do it! It is with this in mind that I came up with the Top 5 picks for worst song remakes ever. In making this list, however, I had to take some liberties. First of all, I had to exclude mainstream rap, because as whole, the art of sampling great songs to make shitty songs has become so commonplace in rap that its deeply embedded in the genre. It’s a well known fact that if you’re a rapper, at some point you will butcher a classic: take for example, P. Diddy’s entire career. Second, I had to exclude songs from artists who make their living doing tribute songs: this ultimately meant that I had to omit the vast majority of Rod Stewart’s career as well. Last of all, selecting five God awful remakes was like wading through a septic tank picking out the nastiest turd: there’s a lot of crappy remakes out there, if you got, em’ post em’.

1. Behind Blue Eyes by Limp Bizkit: There was a time when you thought Limp Bizkit was cool. There was also a time when you believed in Santa Claus. Hope I’m not ruining anyone’s day, but on both counts you were incredibly stupid. Fred Durst has defined his career by creating one steaming hunk of garbage after another. The dude can’t rap, can’t sing, and sure as shit can’t write music. In light of these failures, the King of Suck decided to cover perhaps my favorite song by The Who…and relentlessly raped all of the songs original goodness. The Fred Durst version somehow managed to take away everything I loved in one fell swoop; a deplorable yet impressive feat. I say this without hesitation, if you like his version, go outside and attempt to curb stomp yourself.

2. Stairway to Heaven by Dolly Parton: There is but one rule in rock and roll…leave Stairway to Heaven the hell alone. Many have tried to cover this time honored classic, and all have failed (exception, Dave Grohl, whose hilarious cover poked fun at the masterpiece). Dolly Parton’s version, well, it’s what you would expect out of Dolly Parton: a painful country twangfest that lacks the iconic vocals, wailing guitars, and overall magnitude of the original. It’s brutal, to the point where I challenge anyone to listen to this abomination from start to finish. If you can, you either deserve an award or free lesson in sign language…you may be deaf. In the end, this remake is garbage…consider it Stairway Un-Leded

3. American Pie by Madonna: I have long thought that Madonna sucked…most people think otherwise and have successfully argued why she’s a capable artist…but I still think she sucks. Case and point: her 2000 slaughtering of American Pie. Don McLean wrote the this time honored classic as an abstract telling of the 1959 airplane crash that killed Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper: the day the music died. Unfortunately for McLean, his date was about 40 years off. The day the music died was when Madonna ruined a song important to our musical and cultural heritage by making it a dance-pop synth tune. It’s disgusting… what a whore.

4. Satisfaction by Brittney Spears: I almost considered leaving this one off the list. Sure, Satisfaction is quite possibly The Rolling Stones best track, and was deemed the #2 song of all time by Rolling Stone Magazine, but is something a remake if it sounds nothing like the original? In the end if figured the song shares the same title and lyrics as the original so it belongs on the list…it’s just so bad that it has nothing in common with the song its covering. I mean lets be real, at the time of its release, Spears hadn’t gone into her crazy slutty phase. How in God’s name can an “appears to be pure” music diva/media whore cover a song about sex and anti-commercialism…the shoe just doesn’t fit…and the remake sucks something awful.

5. Imagine by A Perfect Circle: This pick is perhaps the most disappointing for this list maker. Whereas picks 1-4 were by artists with minimal to no talent, number 5 is by a band that I feel is incredibly talented…its just this remake is inexcusable. John Lennon’s Imagine has a lot in common with Stairway to Heaven in that it is untouchable…so don’t try. APC did, and it’s a total butchery of a truly great song. The original was idealistically upbeat, revolving around concepts of hope and peace. APC somehow managed to make this song a downer…plus Maynard James Keenan is a fucking hypocrite. How can you write a song with Tool about wishing that a flood wipes out the world, and then cover a song with APC preaching peace and a brotherhood of man?

Dishonorable Mentions:

Born to Be Wild by Hinder
Holy Diver by Killswitch Engage
Tainted Love by Pussycat Dolls
Another Brick in the Wall by Korn
These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ by Jessica Simpson
D'yer Maker by Sheryl Crow

The Eternal Question - Monopoly v. Risk

Over the course of Pixels to Polys young life, Pat, Anthony and I have gradually differentiated our writing styles to fill cozy little niches. Pat writes with a broad, thorough, analytical style. He’s our house investigator, and somehow manages to cover all bases when writing. I like to think of Pat as cross between Sherlock Holmes and Aristotle. Anthony’s voice is completely different, writing with a more light-hearted, witty style. His posts are always humorously insightful, and I like to think of him as Holistered-up version of Mark Twain.

With these crucial roles already taken, I find myself increasingly playing the attack dog. It’s fun to beat something into the ground, and I kinda like being the instigator, the polemicist, the asshole. It is with this in mind that I dedicate this post to Pat. I made some posts taking jabs at Anthony previously and now its Pats turn. You may have thought this post was about which is better, Monopoly or Risk? Nope. In my eyes they’re both equally terrible wastes of time; a statement that I hope will wake my friend the sleeping giant. The goal of this post is simple, figure which is worse, Risk or Monopoly, all the while, pointing out why I hate both of them. In doing this, I hope to brutally assault Pat’s childhood to the point where legal authorities will bar me from going within 500 feet of a school. Here is my Eternal Question:

Monopoly
Monopoly is one of those games you must own to prove that you’re not a communist. Sure, we all hate Monopoly and the time raping it doles out whenever some foolish person suggests playing it, but to not own it is to reject the idea of capitalism and be anti-American. Every American household has at least one monopoly board, but no one ever plays it, we keep it in our closets collecting dust until someone calls us a pinko. Think I’m being a little over dramatic? Take a look at McDonalds. Nothing’s more American than sloppy grease burgers made with Grade D meat, and you know what, even McDonalds promotes Monopoly with its yearly contest. If I pull another Park Place tag off thing of fries I swear someone’s going in the deep fryer…

For some reason, everyone has this delusional love of Monopoly that prevents them from seeing it for what it really is: a shitty board game that takes and eternity to play. You say Monopoly and everyone gets a twinkle-eyed with thoughts of owning Boardwalk, or propping up motels, or the Monopoly Man’s sweet mustache. These people think that they’re Warren Buffet because they get to play banker. Idiots! Someone who plays Monopoly has more in common with a black-eyed housewife in an abusive marriage: your success at Monopoly says nothing about your skills with money, it merely shows that you will repeatedly allow yourself to brutalized in hopes of happiness. But you can’t say this out loud oh no, people attempt to argue with you on how it’s a great game and how misguided you are. Seriously, when did criticizing Monopoly become such a faux pas? It’s like calling Gandhi a douche bag; even if you make great points, everyone’s still going to hate you for it. Wake up people! If you like Monopoly, you’re probably suffering from amnesia.

Monopoly is one of those games that everyone loves until they actually play again. People somehow fail to remember fighting over the shoe piece, arguing about property deals, and the eight hours of back and forth play between the remaining two players…a game of Monopoly could potentially go on forever if people didn’t lose patience and quit. Do yourself a favor, put this game away and don’t take it out ever again. Your friends and family will thank you…as they don’t appreciate you throwing the board at them.

Risk

Just to be clear, I fucking hate Risk. Nothing good has ever come from a game of Risk…which is quite a bold statement considering I can find positive aspects of cancer. There are essentially three types of people in this world: people who passionately love Risk (people with no sense of fun or time), people who play risk cause everyone else is partaking (spineless jellyfishes), and people who don’t like Risk (people with a foresight). The Risk lovers out there are essentially the Judas Cow’s of the world, cleverly able to convince their peers to surrender their night for marathon of tedium, frustration, and agony. Yes…Risk is as enjoyable as getting hacked apart for meat.

Without question, Risk is a theatrically brutal waste of an evening. A single game of Risk somehow manages to seamlessly to combine boredom and drama in an unparalleled manner; the closest comparison one could make would be to watch Michal Clayton three times in a row. Just like Monopoly, everyone begins by bitching about pieces, this time, it’s about colors. Risk turns normal, intelligent people into temperamental six year olds arguing about crayons. As if having a black army as opposed to a yellow army will do a lick of difference when suffering through this gluttonous time devourer. Once people finally shut the hell about colors, there’s the allocation process: a nauseating 15 minute endeavor where the world becomes world populated various plastic armies. If there has ever been a clear indication at how bad this game is, the fact that it takes at least 20 minutes to setup is it.

…But this 20 minute snoozefest is a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of the game. Sure it’s moderately entertaining to roll die and attack your friend’s armies, but what about 45 minutes of nothingness where you have to wait for everyone else to take their turns. During this time, you can: cook dinner, change the oil in your car, have sex with one of the other player’s girlfriends, finish your homework, drive to the store and get snacks, and most fortunately, find something more fun to do for the rest of the evening. Risk is a lot like doing laundry, you’re chained down from doing something more entertaining by a task that in reality, demands five minutes of your time. The only difference is that when laundry’s done, you got a basket full of fresh smelling clothes. When Risk is done, you have no friends, no patience, and a wasted evening.

Its up to you, which is worse, Monopoly or Risk

-Matt

Obscure Gems: Gary Allan - Tough All Over

In 2002 Johnny Cash covered a Nine Inch Nails song about drug addiction and isolation and made it his own.  The song took on new meanings as we reinterpreted the lyrics through the scope of a legend’s career.  The intertextuality of the music deepened it’s value, as our knowledge of the performer added weight to Trent Reznor’s words.

Music is malleable; taking on new meaning and attributes as the performers and the audiences change. 

Similarly in 2005 another country recording artist Gary Allan released the first track to his album, Tough All Over; “Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning),” a cover of a Vertical Horizon song.  For Vertical Horizon, the song was about a difficult breakup.  For Allan the song was still about the end of a relationship, but the circumstances made the bittersweet song even more poignant.

In 2004 Allan’s wife committed suicide after suffering from migraines and depression.  Following her death, Allan took a break from performing, but soon returned to the studio to record what would become 2005’s Tough All Over.  

His wife’s death is never directly referenced in the album, but themes of love and loss pervade the record.  Tough All Over is a reminder that there is room for greatness in all genres of music.  Allan has always existed in the genre of radio ready country, and Tough All Over is no exception.  “Best I Ever Had”  and “Life Ain’t Always Beautiful” both made it to the Top 10 as singles on the Country charts.  

There is a forwardness and urgency to the lyrics on the album.  On Puttin’ Memories Away Allan sings about boxing up his wife’s old things.  He sings,

With red wine and tears I've been gatherin' all the years we spent together

I need to move on

'Cause I know that you're gone forever

On Ring Allan sings to his wife’s old wedding ring:

Yesterday you used to hold her

In Life Ain’t Always Beautiful he tries to reconcile with loss

And I wish for just one minute

I could see your pretty face

Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

Still, in the chorus he tries to find a silver lining:

But the struggle makes you stronger

And the changes make you wise

Nickajack Cave thematically stands out from the rest of the songs of the album, as it deals with the legend of Johnny Cash’s quest for redemption in Nickajack Cave.  The song is about Cash seeking salvation in spite of his past sins, and perhaps Allan is battling with his own guilt, and seeking a sort of rediscovery.

In the album’s final track, Puttin’ My Misery on Display Allan sings about the demands of performing the heartbreak of his songs on a nightly basis.  The song is all about music as a coping mechanism.  It’s a lonely life on the road, but a necessary evil for Allan, he sings, “It soothes my soul and keeps my sanity,” later adding, “I don’t know any other way, than putting my misery on display.”

Country music has always favored themes of love and heartbreak, and Tough All Over exists very much in that same space.  The album, however, is a reminder that there is room for greatness in all genres of music.  It’s an album borne out of tragedy, a mix of heartbreak, remorse, and determination.  Tough All Over is the sort of albums most artists should hope they never have the opportunity to write.

-Anthony

Top 5: Cereals

Like any self-respecting man, I am completely incapable of taking care of myself in any other way than making money.  I shrink my laundry, don’t cook anything more advanced than a toasted PB and Fluff sandwich, and haven’t ever purchased-let alone pushed a broom.

As a product of my ineptitudes in the kitchen, cereal has become more than a delicious breakfast treat.  It can be breakfast, lunch, dinner, or any of the snacks in between.  This has given me a tremendous amount of knowledge on the subject, the sort of knowledge that would take the average person several lifetimes to amass.

All of these cereals are best experienced in a large bowl, with a spoon the size of the palm of your hand, and 1% Oakhurst milk chilled to the point right before you start to get little frozen ice chunks in it.

1. Frosted Mini Wheats - The greatest cereal made by humans also stands as the greatest example of the delicate balance inherent in the act of eating cereal.  Before milk it is a dangerous mouth-shredding tool of the devil.  Wait a moment too long and they become a sloppy mess that you wouldn’t even feed to someone trying to force you to play the Resident Evil 5 demo.  Of course, anyone worth his/her salt in cereal eating knows the importance of cycling the wheats with your spoon to keep the bottom layer from getting soggy.  FMW stands as breakfast treat king.

2. Fruity Pebbles - Perhaps the greatest aspect of this cereal, aside from it’s heavenly taste and aroma, is the tiny size of each individual pebble.  It allows you to densely pack each bowl with deliciousness.  It all makes for a tremendous bang for your bowlful.  The fact that you get tasty fruity burps for the rest of the day only serves to strengthen this cereals spot on the charts.

3. Clusters - I don’t know what a cluster is made of, and I don’t care to find out.  The only way this cereal could be better is if they skipped the flakes and just made it all tastey mysterious clusters.

4. Oreo O’s - The desert of cereals.  This is the bowl you have after you have just had some Frosted Mini Wheats for supper.

5. Raisin Bran - This one makes the cut on sheer resiliency.  It is the only cereal that I have encountered that is equally good--nay, better--once it gets soggy.  It’s unreal.  Say you are eating some Raisin Bran and notice that you are going to be late for work.  Any other cereal and you say, “Screw it, I’m going to call in and quit so I can finish these Pebbles.”  With Raisin Bran, you just leave your bowl where it is, and finish them when you get home... and you get to keep your job.  Thanks Raisin Bran!

MadWorld: Controversy from the Idiot Convention

Oh what a difficult time it is to be a Wii owner. Remember when you first bought your Wii, how everyone was envious of Wii bowling...how parents and even grandparents were even interested in gaming for the first time…and what fascination the world had with this new and exciting console from a seemingly dying gaming company. Fast forward two years. Has your Wii been reduced to a dust collector? Do you still have the same excitement about your console as you used to? Can you remember what the last Wii title you purchased was? If you are like me, these questions have less-than-positive answers.

Thankfully Sega has just released MadWorld, an over the top beat-em-up that is truly worth bragging about. Although I have yet to complete the title, I can honestly say that MadWorld is a gem. The concept of the game is simple: you are Jack, a former marine with a chainsaw for an arm, and your task is to survive a gladiatorial game show by killing hoards of enemies. Although the concept is rather simplistic, the game itself proves to be anything but ordinary. Without a doubt, MadWorld is one of the most stylistically impressive games that I have had the good fortune to play: a comic-book inspired game rendered entirely in black and white except for the endless red showers of blood. I could go on all day about this game…

…but this article isn’t a review…if you want that I suggest skimming through the endless praises for the game in Metacritic; the sources on Metacritic have finished the game and are more capable of doing it justice. This article is a defense piece. You see, the praises MadWorld should receive are being drowned out by the controversy its content has caused. I for one, do not appreciate that the first must-have Wii title of 2009 is being buried by narrow-mined prudes whose PhD’s have masked their lack of common sense.

I wrote this article out of my frustration with media watchdog groups and their near toddler-like ignorance with the video game industry. Just as I was pissed off when Doom was condemned for the Columbine shootings, I find myself yet again skimming through the internet with complete disbelief…how can people be so stupid? This time, however, the watchdogs have gone too far. Sure, there will always be religious zealots and over protective parents out there condemning video games, I have begrudgingly come to accept this. I concede that parents have a vested in interest in protecting their children from violence and profanity, and praise them for taking an active role in their children’s lives (even though their attempts to regulate their children’s exposure to such vices are both futile and misguided)


Where I draw the line is when these groups fail to do their homework. If your role is to effectively advise parents about the content in various games, at least get the information right. Pixels to Polys is my soapbox, and I feel compelled to call out the National Institute on Media and the Family for their ill thought position which is just as stupid as it is indefensible. This group recently condemned Nintendo for licensing this game on their system. To quote Dr. David Walsh, president of this assembly of idiots,

"In the past, the Wii has successfully sold itself as being the gaming console for the entire family and a way to bring family-game nights back into people's living rooms. Unfortunately, Nintendo opened its doors to the violent videogame genre. The National Institute on Media and the Family hopes that Nintendo does not lose sight of its initial audience and continues to offer quality, family-friendly games."

(…what a pompous, condescending, and presumptuous statement by the criminally uninformed and out of touch.)

Although I find it troubling that video games are still scrutinized by insular family-value groups, what I find most troubling is that the Wii has been branded as a family console…or that Nintendo has ever been an entirely family oriented manufacturer. To argue this is to exist in a state of self imposed amnesia: to believe that there has ever been a family values console is to be so ignorant that it borders on negligence. Make no mistake about it, there has never been, and never will be, a family-console. Each console has, and always will offer a wide variety of titles to suit the various tastes of gamers. NIMF somehow construed Nintendo’s family themed ad campaigns, designed to target non-gamers, as its position as a family console.

Although it is true that Nintendo sought to attract non-gamers with the introduction of family themed games, in no way claimed to be this generation’s “puppies, kitties and rainbows” console. To claim Wii is a family console is to disregard the mature themed games that have always been on the console, as well as disregard the family themes games present on both PS3 and 360. The Wii has been wrongfully singled out from the aforementioned consoles because it actively pursued demographics that weren’t usually targeted by the industry: non-gamer youth males, females, and family-aged adults.


The National Institute on Media and the Family wrongfully misinterpreted Nintendo’s marketing campaign and confused a strategy of alienating gamers with a strategy of including non-gamers. Nintendo never looked to alienate traditional gamers with mature tastes (although arguably its focus on controls rather than graphics did just that). What Wii offered was something for everyone, and therefore NIMF is out of line for condemning both Sega and Nintendo for MadWorld’s place on the Wii. MadWorld is a mature title, that appeals to mature Wii owners, a demographic that has been neglected on Nintendo’s little white box.

While NIMF and other idiot media groups look to disparage the title, I look to praise it. Wii needs more quality titles like this. If you are a Wii owner, give MadWorld a try, and give media watchdog groups the finger. They are irrelevant outlets for misguided information, written by overeducated dimwits, for parents who are too stupid to determine what is right and wrong for the children. If gaming is truly an art form, as I have always believed, these clowns would be the type to rave about color by numbers.

I conclude this unusually tame post with a small list of mature-themed titles on previous Nintendo systems (as proof that Nintendo never was a family oriented console manufacturer), as well as a hearty “fuck-you” to Dr. David Walsh. You sir, are an idiot, and your group is a fucking sham.

Death Race (NES)
Resident Evil 4 (GCN)
Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem (GCN)
Wolfenstein 3D (GBA)
Perfect Dark (N64)
Killer 7 (GCN)
Mortal Kombat (Wii, DS, GBA, GB, SNES)
Conker's Bad Fur Day (N64)
Goldeneye (N64)

...there's a ton more, i just got lazy...

Stream This: Saturday Morning Watchmen

Watched this the other day...cracked me up after watching 3 hours of brutality, sex, and well, penis.

-Matt

From Pixels to Polys Hall of Fame - Week 4

TGIF baby! You know the drill, time to elevate some picks to Hall of Fame status. This time around, From Pixels to Polys dropped its aggressive tendencies from last week, and got back to what we do best: selecting the top notch game, movie, and album to kick off your weekend. This week, Pat finds out what its like to turn dream cars into scrap, Anthony learns what a Quarter Pounder with cheese is called in France, and I rediscover a staple of 70's rock. Enjoy kids.

The Game: Burnout 3: Takedown

Usually I’m not a huge fan of racer games, except Mario Kart. Burnout 3: Takedown definitely changed my perspective on the racing genre. The addition of crash mode and the “takedown” tool which not only would knock your opponents out of the running or at least set em’ back a peg definitely added one of those game mechanics that I fell instantly in love with. Sure the reality of hitting someone in the rear and seeing them fly ass over tea-kettle may not be that realistic, but it sure makes for some great entertainment. Throw in a few specialty takedowns such as driving someone off a cliff or sending them flying into a support pillar and the game just gets better. Possibly the biggest mode that can’t be ignored is the crash mode where there are specific vehicles and power ups placed along a small section of road and you have one goal in mind… Cause as much damage as possible. This is a fantastic mode for a bunch of friends and some good competition. Nothing more satisfying when you start seeing those dollar signs start racking up and heading into the upper millions. Toss in the fact that if you do enough damage in a certain amount of time and you get to set off a huge final bang and direct your heaping pile of wreckage to cause more havoc with the a kinda bullet-time crash mechanism it makes for a really great racing game.

-Pat

The Movie: Pulp Fiction

An accidental murder. A dangerous date that almost ends tragically. A hilariously vulgar wallet. A discussion on European fast-food. Pulp Fiction is greater than the sum of it’s parts, and is better the 5th viewing than the 4th, the 6th than the 5th, and so forth. When Tarantino released this follow-up to his Reservoir Dogs debut, expectations were high and he vaulted beyond them. Later people would try to duplicate the movie’s cool with fancy editing and irreverent pop-culture references. What they didn’t realize was that the coolness was more than just phony techniques; it was the sum of QT’s efforts. The writer/director has always had a penchant for showing the scenes missing from standard genre films. Here he gives us a conversation before a stake out. The night after a fixed fight. The chronology is jumbled, but it’s not a gimmick, it serves to highlight themes in the movies and add weight to scenes that wouldn’t exist if it had simply moved forward in time. The best film of the 90’s. Bring out the gimp.

-Anthony

The Album: Led Zeppelin III by Led Zeppelin

Statement: For every legitimate Led Zeppelin fan out there, there are at least five or six posers. These hacks that run around thinking that Stairway to Heaven and Kashmir are the only two songs the band ever made. It’s sickening, if you own less than three Zep albums take off Zep T-Shirt and get the hell out of my face…your fashion statement is a fraud. For those real Zep fans out there, (and those who wish not be fakes) I chose to induct Led Zeppelin III, perhaps the bands most tragically most overlooked album (fear not, all Zep Albums except Presence and In Though the Out Door are Hall of Fame material). Zep III was a radical change of pace from the hard rock/blues sound of the previous albums. Sure Immigrant Song carried on the hard rock torch, but III forged a folksier new direction that was both unexpected and welcomed. Tracks like Friends and Tangerine showed off Zeppelin’s folk prowess, and for the record, Gallows Pole seals the deal. Without question, however, the most important track from album is Since I’ve Been Loving You, a ball buster of a blues song that is the anthem of any man with lady problems. If you’ve never heard this song, crank it. You’ll be in bar, five drinks deep within no time. Led Zeppelin III is pure greatness, period.

-Matt